I have a love hate relationship with Josh Groban. Though, I wouldn't say hate, I would say sad. I have a love sad relationship with Josh Groban. It started shortly after Ty died. I wanted a song for Ty, a song that connected me to him, a song that reminded me of him. One day while driving (one of the days I had to pull over because I became so overwhelmed with tears and emotion) Where You Are came on. I knew at that moment that was Ty's song. The words hit it head on. It became Ty's song and I listened to it for months with eyes full of tears and a heart full of sadness. I bought all Josh's CDs and just listened to his music, crying many days. His songs felt so powerful, so emotional, so true. The words of many of his songs spoke to me. I became a fan.
Then came Jacobs pregnancy. After we received his diagnosis I heard that Josh Groban was coming to our town. I immediately bought tickets. Ty had the chance to hear Dave Matthews, Jacob would get to hear Josh Groban. I looked forward to the concert, albeit, with some anxiety because I didn't want to completely lose it at his concert. The day approached and I "forced" my husband into the concert venue. At the time he was pretty sure he was not going to enjoy it but went for us. Turns out he really liked it, Josh is a funny guy and his concerts are great. We took our seats and I brought out the Kleenex. Josh started singing and the tears started flowing. Jacob started moving around and the tears flowed even more. Jacob was enjoying the concert, he was truly enjoying the concert, he loved it and it made me feel even more connected to him.
The concert ended and I went home to continue listening to Josh's CDs. Yes they made me cry, they still do. His voice is just so powerful, his words hit my soul, they connect me to Ty and Jacob. They remind me of being pregnant with both of them. They remind me of them dying. They remind me of their funerals. They are a constant reminder of the boys but I cling to his music. I told Stephen if Josh Groban ever comes back, no question we are going. I'm sure I'll ball my eyes out but it's happening!
Today Josh Groban was on Ellen. I cried. He sang a song I had never heard before and yet I cried. I thought of being at his concert with Jacob and it made me quite emotional. I felt sad. I miss Jacob.
Today also marks the exact date 4 years ago when we found out Ty was Ty. I downloaded Timehop on my phone and it's a bittersweet app for me. So far everything had been about Bee but today it was like BAM, here is a reminder. 4 years ago you found out you were having a little boy. You had innocence, you had joy, you had life. 4 years ago you opened that envelope and saw the blue cookie.
Tonight I sit listening to Josh Groban and thinking of the boys because it is that kind of day. I will let the tears fall and remember being pregnant with Ty and Jacob as Josh sings those powerful words. Sometimes I feel like he is singing directly to me. Here is to hoping he will come back