15 weeks 6 days: I debated whether or not to writer about how I have really been feeling lately as I have a lot of mommy guilt. But I figured if I shared maybe some of you could realte and not feel so alone so here goes nothing (and cue the guilt trip I am giving myself) I am 16 weeks (well off one day depending on who you ask) and as of yet I really have not felt much for Bee. I can remember when we first found out I was excited and happy but since those first few days the feelings have disapperared. With Jacob I tried not to let myself get to close due to the fact I was afraid of losing him, but even when we knew I still loved him, if not even more. With Ty I had so much excitment, love and joy. With Jacob I felt such a special connection and closeness and well with Bee the only thing I feel is fear and anxiety. My heart refuses to let me connect, to feel love, to feel happy or excited. I tried to protect it with Jacob and that was stupid. I'm not trying to this time, I want so badly to feel something, to feel love or closeness like I had with the boys but I haven't been able to yet and it makes me feel like a big piece of shit. I feel like a horrible mother.
It's not that I don't love Bee, I'm doing so much for her, things a mother would do out of love, I just don't feel it. All I feel like is crying because I am so scared. I feel horribly guilty I feel this way, or well, lack of feeling this way. I do know it took me 18 weeks to feel much with Jacob and maybe that is the case with Bee. In two weeks I know regardless of what the outcome is, feelings will come one way or another. I just wish I could feel them now. I know I'll still be anxious and I pray that once we know the baby is healthy and possibly what Bee has going on down south, maybe then I will feel connected. It won't just be Bee at that point it will be a baby (who will be lucky to have a name before we leave the hospital) a little boy or girl, sick or healthy I do not know. All I know right now is I have a lot of guilt for not feeling much. I'm sure it's a normal part of a rainbow pregnancy, I mean I had it with Jacob so I know it's hard to connect and that doesn't mean I love Bee any less it just means my damn heart is trying to be so protective when I know that is stupid.
It doesn't work, I learned that with Jacob but the difference this time is I'm not trying. I want to feel something other then terror and fear and I know it takes time, I just wish it would hurry up and get here!
In the mean time I am working on Bee's room still. I have finished one side, whichI think I mentioned and posted pictures but until yesterday I had no idea what to do around the change table but thanks to pinterest, brilliance struck! I bought peg board, hooks, baskets and some decor last night and didn't ggolge how to hang peg board until I got home (which involves more lumber so another trip to Rona tonight) and I LOVE the baskets I picked up at Michaels but I only got two because I wasn't sure I was going to like them so I'll have to go back and get one more and some picture frames. I also need to get the hanger for the mobile for over the change table. As of right now I am thrilled with how it is turning out. I even got some drawer handles that make the dresser look so much nicer. I am pleased with how it is coming together and every day I pray it actually gets used this time. I'll post pictures as soon as I am done. It's going to be my project on Saturday, well I'll try to hang the peg board by myself but it may be a two person job.
In other news, I will say it again. Bee LOVES carbs! I had pasta today for lunch and it's on the menu for dinner tonight, along with the millions of bagels I seem to enjoy and chocolate. Bee loves mint meltaway chocolates!
Speaking of what Bee loves, I do love that I can feel Bee kick me more now. The last few days it has really started to pick up (perhaps it will help me bond and feel excited) Not only do I love sweet little kicks BUT it is reassuring to me. With Jacob I specifically remember going in around 16 weeks and asking my dcotor if it was normal that I didn't feel the baby kick and they said yeah. With Jacob I didn't feel him until after 20 weeks due to the low fluid so if I can feel kicks now I am choosing to see that as a good sign of fluid levels (which mean good kidneys) So as far as I am concered, Bee can kick away all she wants because I LOVE it. I loved it with both Ty and Jacob as well. Sweet little kicks meant so much to me. They still do...
16 weeks: We made it, I still feel Bee kicking away so I know she is okay at the moment. My gallbladder not so much due to the stress but as long as Bee is okay. Speaking of stress, it has been at an all time high, just read my rant the other day and you will know why. I've been reading alot aboout the negative effects of stress on a fetus and I am doing everything I possibly can to reduce stress but honestly, sometimes everything is too much. Hopefully getting my MP on board (whom has also lost a child) will be all I need. As for the mail, there is no solution to that. Waiting for a call from the Ombudsman.
16 weeks 1 day: My eyes have been checked, arm poked, 4 out of the 5 goldfish made it home (the 5th one did too but he's belly up) stuffing my face with Swiss Chalet, opened all the windows to let the fresh air in, got some kitty snuggles, about to give a try at hanging the peg board....now i I can continue to distract my mind to keep it off the horrible dream last night. The one that felt so incredibly real. I was at home by myself while Stephen was away working and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I freaked out but Stephen wasn't home and I didn't know what to do so I just waited to see if it got better. I went to the bathroom later and a huge plop sound happened, I knew what it was, I was so afraid but I looked in the toilet and there was a tiny baby, our tiny baby. I scooped him up out of the toilet to bury him and waited until Stephen got home. Graphic but I know many mothers can relate to horrible terrifying dreams like this. Add on top that today I haven't felt Bee kick, I have been busy on the go so maybe she has but not noticeable. I asked her to send some strong ones way my for reassurance and also because my tummy seems to have shrunk today (hopefully it's just the bloat going down) but it terrifies me because the same thing happened with Jacob due to decrease in his fluid....
Today is a hard day but I am thankful I am down to 1 diclectin a day and hoping some next weekend I'll be off it completely. That is something to focus on over the next week. I have been feeling okay for the most part, but not today. Today I am scared. I really wish Bee would kick, at least