I was sitting in the lab waiting to have my blood drawn this morning, running my health card through my fingers. I looked at it, I looked at the woman in the picture. I've changed so much since that photo was taken. I've lost 40lbs and it makes me look like a different person. I then glanced at the date and the tears started swelling in my eyes. I was brought back to 2011. Stephen and I were married in May and I remember praying that Jacob would live at least 3 months, just until I could get my name changed so he would be born a Nelles.
When Ty was born, because Stephen and I were not married at the time, everything related to him was in my maiden name. It bothered me. I know changing ones name when getting married is a very personal choice and by all means, I fully support not changing your last name, but for me it was important. I wanted to take his last name and when all the paperwork for Ty had my maiden name, it hurt.
So after we got married, I prayed for Jacob to hang on, along with many other things, because I had to wait 3 months to officially change my name. I remember the 3 month mark, I woke up early and headed to the local government office, all my papers in tow, and changed my last name. The same day, I went to the hospital and had them change all my records so no matter what happened Jacob would be born a Nelles.
There I sat, thinking about how much changing my last name meant to me because I wanted the child I was carrying to have the same name when he was born and died. I tried to keep my composure but I let a few tears slide out. I took another quick glance at the date and then put my card away.
Life has been filled with many ups and downs lately. I have not been in the best health and trying to figure out what is wrong is a waiting game. My anxiety when feeling ill just makes things worse. It's like a bad cycle, I get worried about passing out which makes me feel more lightheaded which makes me more worried about passing out. Same goes for getting sick. I would just like a good few months of feeling well. I can handle the not feeling well mentally but add physically and it just makes things miserable.
Speaking of miserable, when I went to pick Bee up from school on Thursday her eyes were so swollen, I knew she had been crying. They told me she had cried since lunch (3 hours straight) it broke my heart. I felt so bad and I really feel like she is picking up on my mood because she has been out of sorts lately too.
There is a lot going on, I just cant talk about it right now. It's just hard, it wasn't expected and on we still go. If anything, it has given me more motivation to finish my book, especially since my story went viral for a 3rd time. I know my story needs to be out there, I just need to focus my mind on being able to write.
On a sunny side, we received our spring pictures back from our photographer. Let's just say there is one tear jerker. I'll post it in a few weeks, but it is perfection. Simply perfection.