Mother's Day for the bereaved is another dreaded "holiday". It's a day that, for the last two years, I have been horribly stressed and upset about. The last two Mother's Day I have been a mother but I have not felt like a mother as I have not been an active mother. This year is different, this year I actually feel like a mother (sleep deprivation, not eating with two hands, some days not eating at all,having every type of bodily fluid on me all at one etc) This year I have proof to show the world that I am a mother. No one will have to question if I am a mother or not, they will see that I am.
Tomorrow we will walk down an aisle we have walked down three times now (well many more) but three life changing times and tomorrow will be the fourth. The first time we walked down the aisle, we were lost, we were solemn, we were broken, sad, hurt, angry, lonely, we were confused and didn't know where to turn. The second time we walked down that aisle we were celebrating the one thing we had, love. Two weeks before we walked down the aisle for a second time is when we found out Jacob would not be coming home with us, but we held our heads high and walked down the aisle with love and admiration for each other. It was a beautiful day and most certainly a time to celebrate. The third time we walked down that aisle we were again lost, sad, broken, hurt, angry, confused and again, didn't know how we would live on. But because of our perseverance, we will walk down that aisle for a fourth time and this time it will again be in celebration.
Tomorrow we will walk down that aisle and celebrate Phoebe. Celebrate our miracle baby. I know there will be tears, tears of sorrow mixed with tears of happiness but I always expect Mother's Day to be that way. I will never feel complete or happy on Mother's Day because I will always be missing Ty and Jacob. We will celebrate the fact that I now feel like a mother, I now have proof to the world that I am a mother.
Mother's Day will never be an easy day and I know there are mothers out there wishing tomorrow would hurry up and pass by because the thought of it is so very painful. There are mothers out there who like me, do not feel as though they are truly mothers and most would not recognize them as mother's but know, no matter if they carry their children in their arms, or their heart they are mothers. They became mothers when those two little lines showed up and no matter if those two little lines turned into a miracle baby or an angel, they are still mother's, they still deserve the recognition if not even more so, because being a mother to an angel is a very hard job.
Tomorrow as I celebrate my daughter I will weep for my sons. Tomorrow is a day I dread but also for the first time, a day I look forward to. My heart goes out to all the mother's who on Mother's Day cry in hurt and sadness. I have been there. I have been a mother for over 3 years but finally, I FEEL like a mother. It took 3 years to get here but I never believed in giving up hope. The struggles I went through to become a mother were heartbreaking, never did I imagine as a mother I would bury my firs two children. Never did I imagine that come Mother's Day 2011 I would be weeping in sorrow over the fact that I was a mother but no one acknowledged it. I had nothing to show for my 9 months with Ty but an empty heart. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2012 would make me want to crawl into the ground and die. All I wanted was to see Jacob again. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2012 I doubted if I would ever be a mother and around that time is when we made the decision to try once more. Never did I imagine that after 3 years my beautiful miracle would be born, I would become an active mother. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2013 I would be celebrating as a mother with a living child. I never thought this day would come.
Tomorrow as I walk down that aisle for the fourth time, we celebrate love, we celebrate life, we celebrate miracles and we remember. We remember the journey to get here, we remember the heartache, we think of those going through the same heartache and weep with them. So to all the mother's who read my blog, whether your children have feet or wings, have a peaceful day tomorrow and know that I acknowledge you as a mother, even if your babies time on earth was short. Take it easy on yourself, remember your children, enjoy the ones you do have that are living and breathe.
Have a peaceful Mother's day with love from me and my 3 children.