I will admit, I have been pretty lucky in my grief journey that nightmares of tragic events have not happened. I've never had "bad" dreams about Ty or Jacobs death or having children die......until the other night.
Bee was acting off and seemed sick so I took her to the hospital to have her checked out. Stephen was out of town for work so it was just her and I. The er doctor agreed something was off and sent her for a MRI. We were then sent to the oncologist who told us that Bee had brain cancer and they weren't sure if they could save her. They said they had to immediately start chemotherapy. They dressed her in a little hospital gown and had us walk down the hall. My last memory of the dream was of Bee and I, hand in hand, walking down the hall to start chemotherapy. It broke my heart. I remember feeling so sad, I couldn't stop crying, I woke up crying. It really has shaken me up.
I know life is not guaranteed and I guess it just made me realize that Bee could die too. I mean I know everyone dies but I meant before she lives a long fulfilling life. It makes me want to bubble wrap her and how do I, someone with horrible anxiety and fear, balance feeling comfortable enough with protecting her but also allowing her to live. I know I can only do so much and there are things I shouldn't do because she deserves to live life. I know something could happen at any moment, just because we have experienced tragedy twice does not protect us from future tragedy. It could strike at any moment and its one reason I live with anxiety and fear, I feel if I relax a little, if I don't prepare then something will strike. I fear something happening to Bee all the time, I guess it goes with the territory, this dream just made me realize there are some things I cant stop and that terrifies me. It makes me incredibly nervous and so very sad. I still feel sad from that dream, even a few days later. I just need Bee to always be okay.
My hope is not to have any more dreams like this. I have lucked out so far and I hope I don't have anymore. My heart can't take even sad dreams about tragedies. These nightmares shake me to the core and severely affect my awake state. I really do not need these to become a common reoccurrence, I already struggle with flashbacks while awake, adding nightmares onto the platter and losing sleep will not be a good combination.
All I can do is hug Bee and do everything I can to keep her safe, teach her how to be safe and limit her exposure to known dangers, toxins and other things in todays world.