There is no doubt that the death of a child changes a person. There is also no doubt that the birth of a healthy, living child also changes a person. Trying to discover ones new self can be a challenge. It's something I have struggled with for the past 4 years.
Before Bee came along, even before Stephen came along I was one well organized person. I had a routine, a schedule, I even had my meals planned out a month in advanced. I was organized to a T, some may say I was a bit anal. But, it's what worked for me, it allowed me to write goals and focus on achieving them. It allowed me to feel accomplished and successful. It allowed me to push myself to achieve the best possible outcome. It allowed me to get shit done.
Fast-forward to today. I plan meals about 15 minutes before it's time to eat. Some days I feel so tired and so lazy that we make oatmeal for dinner (with a side of fruit I don't have to cut up). I don't have a schedule, we don't have much of a routine, I have yet to set any goals and feel horribly disorganized. I feel overwhelmed by having to do so much but not being able to pinpoint what and when to do it. I have to start writing lists, for example, Bee goes to school Tuesday so I am writing a list. I'm sure I have to go back to the doctors to go over my test results. I also need to go through a few closets and get rid of some more clothes. I also need to update Baby's Nest and contact more companies. I also need to write my bio for the PALs network (more details about that soon). There is so much I have to do that if I do not write it down so I can visually see it, it wont get done.
It is vastly different from how I use to be and I can honesty say I don't have much get up and go to get back to the old me. It suited me then and though I do believe some routine and schedule would benefit all of us, going back to being that anal retentive is not in the plans. I would just like some organization though, I don't like wandering around mindlessly trying to figure out what to do or eat because I feel so overwhelmed.