8 weeks 1 day: Something I am really struggling with, like I did with Ty, is being able to prepare food. I just can't do it. The look of uncooked meat grosses me out and makes me gag (don't even get me started on chicken puke!) This poses a problem when it comes to eating. Not that I really have an appetite anyways...but cooking dinner is something I took over while I was not pregnant and now my poor hubs never has any dinner. We tend to grab food while we're out or eat cereal. There are some things I could make, the staples in our diet where I make a huge batch and freeze a bunch so we have meals to go to, those I could do but here lies the issue. Two of our biggest make big and freeze meals are chili and spaghetti sauce. You might be wondering why that is an issue, perhaps chili because it is too spicy, no, bee does NOT like tomatoes of any kind! No plain tomatoes, no tomato based soups, nothing related to tomatoes, not even ketchup, she is NOT a fan so that leave a bit of a problem when it comes to the whole chili, spag. sauce meals. They are both heavily tomato based. I'm really hoping this changes as the pregnancy goes on because I don't have the energy to cook every day but if I can make big meals and ones that freeze well, we should be able to eat. But for now we will rely on Kraft Dinner, Out and Back frozen dinners and lots of veggie meals. As well as watermelon (we go through one every two days it seems) and local strawberries.
8 weeks 2 days: I know I asked for morning sickness and wow did I ever get it. I do fully expect to be throwing up at some point during the next two weeks and every day it will be a battle to keep it all down. With both of the boys I was my sickest during now and week 10 (when my hormones peak) and the way it is going this time, I will be doing everything I can to not toss my cookies. We also discovered today that I am not allowed to go grocery shopping until this severe morning sickness passes. We were only in the store 15 minutes and I had to leave, if I gagged anymore they were going to see the samples I consumed again and they wouldn't be as pretty the second time. The only thing that seems to work is laying on my side and chewing peppermint gum, t he problem with peppermint gum is it is made with aspartame. I read through all my pregnancies about the effects of aspartame and decided gum ever now and then would be okay if it's the only thing keeping food down. I am going to try mints to see if they work as well and look into some natural gum because I do feel horribly guilty for having it. I'm very hard on myself, I still feel guilty for the loss of both boys, like it was related to me some how, it's a feeling only angel moms can understand no matter how many doctors tell us it wasn't. The thing I try to remind myself is, there are thousands of worse products out there I could be putting in my body and gum is probably not anywhere near as harmful as some of those other things. I made sure to be healthy as possible after loosing Jacob and going as natural as I could without having a foul odor. The thing is, gum works for me, it's one of the only things and I won't need it the whole pregnancy (I pray) but to get me through the next two weeks, in addition to laying down a lot, it's what I need. I am incredibly thankful I am not working right now, I am very blessed not to have to worry about that because I could only imagine how hard it would be to have to work and be this sick. I am so thankful I get to lay at home and talk to Bee all day long and just be (no pun intended) but I am very blessed to have this time at home with Bee before I have to go back to work and by then the morning sickness should subside a bit and on I will go. But for the next two weeks, my goal is to not toss my cookies, no grocery shopping for me, just laying at home growing a baby which this time is taking ALL my energy. I think I am more inactive right now than I was when I was depressed after loosing the boys, though now, it may be both. Depression and pregnancy...that's a killer combo! I just pray that this time, we will get to bring the reward home, we are out there risking it and we want our reward. We want a breathing, healthy, living child placed in our arms, we want to hear Bee cry, change Bee's diaper, feed Bee and actually use our baby things for a baby instead of Charlie. I may have my head over the toilet the next 2 weeks but I know with everything that I have, no matter the outcome, it will be worth it.
P.S. After having written this entry it was decided I had to go to the grocery store as we were out of milk and I needed some more mints. The other reason a pregnant woman should not go to the grocery store besides the sight and smell making me gag, I went for milk and mints and came home with milk, mints, chocolate cupcakes, frozen yogurt sandwiches, frozen yogurt ice cream cones, 3 things of small size ice cream and freezies. Can we say cravings? I think I'm craving chocolate, Bee you are totally a girl, you have to be! The cherries I ate earlier I even found sour....and now all this chocolate frozen goodness.....just know if you send a pregnant woman to the store, chances are she will come back with things she didn't intend on getting. To be fair I did intend on getting the chocolate cupcakes which is kind of a Jacob thing. Mmmmmmmm.....so yummy!
8 weeks 4 days: I finally got out today, I just went to the mall to do some window shopping and decided I can't do that anymore until we know what team Bee is on! I did happen to get one outfit for a girl and I feel so incredibly guilty because I've only gotten girl things this pregnancy, though today I did pick up a boy outfit. It's not that I'll be disappointed if it's a boy, that's not the case at all, it's just, well, (thats a lot of commas) we have things for boys. That being said, I do know I will have to get some new things because I don't think I can bring myself to put a boy in some of the clothes we got for Ty and Jacob. Being on a very strict budget as well, I need to find cheap clothes and when I see a good deal I figure I should get stuff as we go along. But most of it has been girl stuff and I feel sad about that. I have a feeling Bee is a girl but if he's not well then I'll still be excited and happy, albeit, a little more terrified since I have lost two boys already, but looking at little boy stuff hurts my heart. It makes me realize what I've missed out on and buying girl stuff doesn't because we haven't had a girl yet.
The Canadian government has also officially royally screwed my EI so now I don't even know if I will qualify when I apply in January and they are not being cooperative to fix the mistake they made. Talk about stress! I was so stressed yesterday I started to cramp really bad so I ended up going to sit with the boys for a bit and then coming home and laying down most of the day to try and relax. It didn't work much and a phone call back today didn't get my questions answered and in the mean time, well they continue to make me wait to talk to someone, the CRA contacted us and now our taxes are all messed up from last year and the returns we were counting on this month won't be coming until later when this whole EI issue get sorted out. It has been a HUGE stressor and it pisses me of that this matter is not being dealt with because it is messing up so many things for Stephen and I. It's just so messed up. There now saying there going to take back the money they gave us (which I know, they'd have to do that to cancel out the claim) but I was told they may not credit those hours back, oh hell fucking yes they will, either give me the money or the hours, you messed this up, you owe me one thing or the other (I'm hoping for the hours so I can apply for mat leave in January) but that has yet to be figured out because there is no one I can directly contact, they can only contact me when it is convenient for them. I think I have sworn more in the last two days then the last two years. The last thing I need to worry about is mat leave, out of everyone, I sure deserve it the most and I'm forcing myself to go back to work to get the additional 200 hours I need so they will be giving me those hours back or I'll see them in court. You can't take both back and leave me sol, no Canadian government you can't screw your citizens over like that.
That being said, if everything does get sorted out I just know come January there will be an issue. I know they will say there aren't enough hours and I'll say yes there are I've been on disability and there are hours from 2011 to count and they'll say you already used those and I'll say no I haven't you processed a claim I never filed and took those earned hours away from me for no reason and it's going to be a big huge mess and even more stress. I just wish this was easy. I wish I could have mentally been able to go back to work a few months ago to make up all the hours but I can't, no person who has lost a child, let alone two in less then a year is sane enough to go back to work. I am going to try and demand they send me a letter stating the money was given back and that they credited my account with (however many hours I have) so I have proof come January. And if this does not get sorted out, well we're sol thanks to the Canadian government and then there will be a court case which will cause even more stress. Unless Stephen and I can fundraise enough to cover a year of work for me through the generosity of people, we won't have a choice. I do hope in a few weeks from now I can report that everything has been fixed and that they sent me a letter but don't hold you breath, it's the Canadian government, I don't expect much from them.