28 Weeks: I actually started writing this blog a few days ago and then it accidentally got deleted...which after 45 minutes and pouring my heart out made me cry (note to self, do not write on your lunch hour in case things like this happen, crying at work is not a good thing) Anyways, I will attempt to capture my raw emotions again.
28 weeks is a HUGE milestone for us. Sure to some it is just a part of the 3rd Trimester (which according to our Dr starts at 27 weeks) but for us, for me in particular it is HUGE. See 28 weeks is the furthest I have let myself think about this pregnancy. I have not thought past this week because I knew we may not even be guaranteed that. But it is here now and I am scared. I am terrified. We now have to start talking about some decisions, some I rather not talk about at all but I know for Bee's sake and our sake, it has to be done. Of course that means thinking beyond 28 weeks about what the future may bring and the dread that comes with a "birth plan", I never really liked the word birth plan anyways because most of the time they get thrown out the window. I do understand why the doctors and nurses would like to know what we want, but like I've said before, get the baby out and keep both of us alive and I don't care how it is done. I really don't. Our Dr is really pushing for a VBAC....but we'll see.
I haven't thought about it, instead I have been praying about it. If Bee turns head down then I will take that as a sign that that's how Bee is arriving. If Bee stays any other way, it will be a c-section. The problem is that decision will not be made until pretty much a few day before Bee arrives and we don't have a date set yet. Ty turned between 36-37 weeks (which ultimately took his life so I'd like Bee to stay whatever way is safe) and Jacob turned between 35-36 weeks so our babies are known to turn late in the game making a prediction quite hard.
I won't let myself think about Bee, I don't think about giving birth, I don't think about what Bee may look, smell or sound like. I don't picture bringing a baby home in the car or putting a baby in the crib. I don't think about being up all night due to a crying baby or rocking Bee in the rocking chair. I just don't think about anything Bee related. The only thing we have done to prepare for Bee specifically will be to get the car seat checked and I have set up a nursery. The nursery is more out of guilt though because the boys never really had a place of their own and I wish they did, so really it's more for me right now.
I am so incredibly fearful, I cry so easily at everything because I am so vulnerable right now. I am terrified to lose Bee; it scares me to know what I may do or how I may react if Bee dies. It also scares me to think about bringing a baby home and 28 weeks is reality. Bee could be here any day now. It’s the reality that is scaring me, the fear, the terror of the unknown. How will this pregnancy end up? Will we finally get our rainbow or fall even deeper into grief.
No matter how much I try to just breathe and give it to God the fear is creeping up and I know nothing will settle it until Bee is safely in my arms. Until then I hold on for dear life because it's all I can do. I am truly thankful we are moving as it will keep me busy the next few weeks and I know 8 weeks may sound like a lot, but they are going to be here before we know it. I go every two weeks until 32 weeks then once a week to 35 then I'm in the hospital around Christmas, then it's New Years and then Bee's here. Its all so very overwhelming and it terrifies me. I am just so scared and so emotional eight now. I really don’t know how I will make it these next 8-9 weeks (or even a bit longer depending on what our doctor decides) I guess it also depends on how Bee does over the next few weeks. We get scans every two weeks (though I may ask to increase it to everyone due to the below issue) and if anything starts to appear, decisions will have to be made. I think decisions also scare me because I don’t trust myself and I don’t know what is best for our baby. It is all just so terrifying and scary.
At the same time, I am trying to get excited but I simply can’t. We finally have names picked out, well I should say I have names picked out, just have to get hubby on board as he has his own idea of names. It seems like a simple decision but it’s not. Every decision is hard, it seems like they all come with risks. The time is here though, we have hit 28 weeks and now we need to start getting some things together. Car seat clinic on the 21st, which scares me. Having to get a hospital bag ready because Bee can be here at anytime all the while, packing and moving and unpacking. It’s all very overwhelming but I can only pray it is all worth it.
LandD Trip #2
So in addition to all the emotions caused by week 28 being here, Bee decided to give us another scare. I have been paying attention to Bee’s movements ever since I started feeling them. I started actually tracking at about 24 weeks as Bee had established a pattern that early on. Yesterday I noticed Bee’s pattern was off, I mean WAY off. In fact the morning kick count took 1 ½ hours to complete and the evening was over 2 hours. This is NOT Bee, the most Bee has taken before was 40 minutes so I was to say the least VERY concerned. On top of all of that, I have been having severe stomach pains the last few days. They come and go quickly but they take my breath away when they happen. Needles to say last night at 8 I made the decision that we needed to head to L and D.
I’ll admit, one reason I am so apt to go to L and D whenever I feel anything is slightly wrong is because I have an incredible amount of guilt that I did not go with Ty when I felt something was wrong and even though we don’t know, it may have saved his life had I just gone so the decision to go comes a bit easier, though it is still very hard. I don’t like to go, I wish I didn’t have to go and that Bee was moving well but that was not the case. I needed the reassurance and I needed to go in case anything did happen that I would not have more guilt.
The car ride there was a nightmare. Bee was not moving, had failed kick counts and now we were on our way. I was scared it was too late. See the other thing about going to L and D is the fear of hearing that it’s too late, that Bee is gone already, of which I really felt last night. I kept praying for a kick on the way to the hospital but nothing.
We arrived at the hospital and were admitted right away. The first few minutes we’re very scary. I had not felt Bee kick and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. I held my breath for a few minutes until they finally picked it up. It was perfect. In fact most of the time we were there it was perfect, it dipped to 110 once but the majority was 140-150. They gave me the good old button to press when I started to feel and movement and like I had predicted, as soon as we got in and hooked up, Bee became very active. The entire time we were there Bee was kicking up a storm and hasn’t stopped since (thank God)
We were told the plan was NST for a bit and then an ultrasound. Well that was at 8pm….at about 10 pm and sore fingers from holding the monitor down and pressing the button they came in to tell us it would be just a bit longer. Finally at 12 am the resident doctor came in, asked some questions and brought in the ultrasound machine. The 4 hours of waiting were worth what we saw next….our little Bee so perfect in every way. The doc did a BPP but because she wanted to see some practice breathing it took about 20 minutes. I did not care, we sat there and watched Bee. We watched Bee yawn, swallow some fluid, kick, wave little fingers around and breath….it was totally worth all the waiting to see our little one. I got teary eyed and tried so hard not to lose it, the feeling s came back. The feel of impending doom set in. I prayed for God to keep our little one safe. I can’t go through losing another baby, I just can’t. Bee has to be okay and last night Bee was perfect. A part of me wants Bee out now because I know babies born at 28 weeks can survive, given with complications and the possibility of death but right now Bee is alive. The other part wants Bee to stay in me for a few more weeks to give Bee the best possible chance but I fear with each week passing, we may lose Bee. Bee may die like Ty and Jacob.
After the ultrasound they decided to do the dreaded Fetal something or other test, to see if I was at risk for going into labor. It again came back negative but I am being refereed back to the Colposcopy clinic due to a Polyp on my cervix. I’m not too concerned as I had these with Ty and they cleared up after he was born and I was just at the clinic at the beginning of the year and was perfectly fine, nothing was even there to biopsy but the issue lies with them not knowing what it is. They can check but they can’t do a biopsy due to me being pregnant, however it may just mean Bee is automatically a c-section which is kind of what I prefer anyways. It’s not the end of the world for us (that happens December 21st don’t forget)
So all in all, L and D trip # 2 was another success and the doctor told us anytime I need to come in to be reassured, do NOT hesitate. They know my history and they understand and most nurses will be nice. We actually had one of the nurses we had when I was in antenatal with Jacob, though she didn’t ask about him. She also happened to be pregnant and we heard them out in the hall all giddy and again, all I wanted to say was, not all babies make it some die. But it is not my place to ruin someone’s pregnancy parade and I am sure working in L and D they know better. Anyways, our little drama king/queen has already made me get a few grey hairs and we have 8-10 weeks before he/she gets here…I am positive there will be some more L and D updates….I just pray each time is with great results. Oh and I did have some small contractions while there….yup going to be a long 8 weeks but seeing Bee last night just reminded me why we chose to try once more and go through this crazy rollercoaster.