10 weeks 4 days: And unlike the song, it was NOT a good night. As I posted yesterday I was having a lot of cramps yesterday and of course at the time I thought chili would be a good dinner choice. I was wrong. I've been up since 3am (and yes I have my interview this morning) due to, let's say lots of bathroom time (but not tossing cookie related) and extreme stomach pains. I'm sure my stomach is crampy and painful now because of the events of last night (at least I can only pray they are) Having been up since 3am though, I'm not that tired at the moment. I plan on going to my interview and then coming home to take a nap, if I feel tired. If anything, today will be a day lying on the couch resting these tummy pains away and I now know not to eat chili while pregnant. It has made getting ready very hard and I hope I can make it through my interview without needing to excuse myself. I am a little concerned at the level of pain I am in. It's more at the top of my uterus, it's a bit hard and the pains are sharp, like stabby pains but not "contraction" like, at least from what I can remember. And of course I fear something is wrong but every time I fear something is wrong I cannot go running to the doctors because then it would be every single day. As long as I am not bleeding or in death pain, I will try my hardest to stay calm between appointments. I have a week to go before the next one so I am going to try my hardest to hold on. The other thing that concerned me was how restless I feel lately. Sometimes I just don't feel....right. Like something is off and I'm restless, I need to do something, run a block or something. I know my legs got restless with Ty but this overall feeling of restlessness is different. And yet again, of course I feel it is impending doom. I need to make it 1 1/2 more weeks to reach one of the big milestones of a pregnancy, I am focused on my next appointment and praying this little one starts kicking a lot sooner then she/he should for my reassurance.
Every time I feel something is a little off I worry myself. I wish I had the innocence of pregnancy back but I don't. Just because Stephen and I haven't had a miscarriage doesn't mean we won't, it could very well happen this week or next. We know we are not safe at any point during this pregnancy. We know 100's of things that can happen but I try to remind myself that this world is very over populated for a reason, babies do live sometimes. It's just hard to relax and not stress. Looking for a job has really helped distract my mind and I think if I do find one, starting a new job will keep me distracted for a bit, but the truth is, I live a fearful life everyday. I worry about getting into a car and getting into an accident and loosing the baby that way. I worry about eating certain foods or using certain products because it could cause the baby problems (even though people put far worse things into their bodies) Today I worry because of the pain even though I know full well in my mind, it's probably related to my bowel issues for the day but still my mind goes to the worst case scenario. I have no way of knowing unless my body tells me or I go in somewhere but I can't simply keep going into my doctors. I'm too early to go into L&D to get a quick scan....ultrasound machines are too expensive to buy, though I should ask Tom Cruise if I can have the one he has. It takes a lot of faith and trust to get through every day. To really try and focus on the fact that these pains are probably just bm related and nothing more, but it's tough. It takes a lot of work.
*Update - I just got offered the job and gladly accepted. Now the guilt of being 3 months pregnant and leaving in 4 1/2 can set in but I just could not pass up the opportunity for such a great job at a great place. I needed this change! I've been praying for it!
Also, I have seemed to loose a bit of weight with his pregnancy, I'm down a lb. The Dr wasn't concerned but of course I am, especially with how I have felt I'm worried for Bee. I'm trying to eat as much as I can but this morning sickness has limited my ability to do so. I was told as long as I get lots of fluids (which I have) not to worry anytime soon. Pffft....doesn't he know all I do is worry? I'm a worrier 24/7. If I got paid for worrying I'd be a trimillionaire.
10 weeks 5days: Today I was the queen of lazy. I have just not been feeling great the last two days. Horrible stomach cramps and very nauseous (so much for me thinking morning sickness was decreasing) I'm thinking it is dairy related. I've been very careful not to have too much dairy (lactose intolerant so most days I get bothered by it) however, the lactose free products I get seem to be fine usually. But the only thing I have done different the last two mornings was had cereal in the morning (I was having it at night before) and the last two days I have been horribly ill. I have literally been on the couch all day watching netflix (going back to work is going to kick me in my ass) and only getting up to eat some food or use the washroom (don't worry I still shower) I have to say I am loving it right now. Normally I do not like to be lazy but with the way I have felt the last two days, it has been great! I really do hope in two weeks when I start my new job all of this is done so I can focus on getting down to the grind. I was watching a movie tonight and they kept giving the little toast and it's all I could think about so I finally made myself a piece, but one wasn't enough. I ended up making 4 pieces it was just so good and really hit the spot!
I didn't sleep again last night (well I should say i was up early, 4am, and couldn't fall back asleep) but thankfully I haven't been too tired today. I ended up coming out to the couch because I could hear every movement Stephen made and it was not helping my lack of sleep. Of course the kitty snuggles that ensued on the couch didn't help either but God I love my fur babies and I'll snuggle any time day or night that they want too. Charlie has been all about the snuggles but, like with Jacob, I have to be careful sleeping at night because he jumps around a lot and I have to keep a pillow over my belly so he doesn't jump on my belly. Not much else has been going on. Today I watched Tenure, The Art of Getting By, Restless The Unloved and One Week, if any of you know what the last four are, yes I felt like watching sad dramas about people dying and foster kids. I don't know what it is but its almost a comfort to me. Restless actually really did comfort me, in a weird strange kind of way. Add to that yesterday was True Grit and The Way of the Gun. So little Bee has had plenty of time to rest and grow while mama is getting her rest in! I hope I feel better tomorrow, I will try to avoid all dairy in the morning and see if that helps. I go to officially accept my new job and to find out all the details. I am nervous but excited and horribly guilty that I'm already 2 1/2 months preggers and starting a new job. But the thing is, I didn't want to pass up a great opportunity just because I was pregnant. I wanted to be somewhere I am supported and love as well as look forward to coming back (which I did not feel about the last place) Of course, this is all for Bee. It's all because of the boys. And now that my meds are kicking in I better go to bed before I start rambling about nothing.