Since Ty and Jacob died I have found it very difficult to set goals. I've found it difficult to think about my hopes, dreams and future. I know nothing in life is guaranteed, its a sad lesson I learned from the boys deaths. It's hard for me to think about the future, to think about what I want in the future and set goals to get there because at any given moment, they could be dashed from under us again. I don't feel I can put my heart on the line. I don't feel I can start to get excited about things that may happen and instead I have learned to live for today. Living for today is not a bad thing, in fact I think it is amazing but a part of my knows that I should still have hopes and dreams for the future. A part of me knows I need to set goals and work hard to achieve them.
Don't get me wrong, I do think about the future and what it may hold and we still have our hopes and dreams set on one very big thing we have yet to accomplish. That would be getting a home of our own. Its the goal Stephen and I set when we first met. It was the goal we were so close to achieving while pregnant with Ty. We were set, we had good jobs, we had a direction in life we were happy with and love for each other and this new little one that was set to arrive. But then Ty died and with him died a huge part of our life. With him died a huge part of our finances and our future. We grieved not only for Ty but for the loss of our future, our hopes and our dreams.
But we were determined and when we found out we were pregnant with Jacob we started at ground zero and knew we would work our way back up. We both returned to work and knew it would take longer to achieve our goal but we were set. This time it was going to be right. This time things would work out because surely after you have one baby die, surely it could not happen again right?
We were wrong, Jacob did die. With him everything we had left died. We were both inconsolable. We were beyond devastated. We couldn't fathom ever thinking about the future as it had been shattered twice for us. We gave up on our hopes and dreams and focused on just surviving.
We didn't care at that point about what would happen in our future. We lost all motivation to do anything, set any goals or have any hopes or dreams. Then we got pregnant with Bee. She is obviously, alive, healthy and here with us but we have yet to get back on our feet. We are still at ground zero. Every time we take a step forward, we fall 3 steps back. We never catch a break, we never get ahead of ourselves. We are always falling back. We refuse to give up the fight, Bee gives us reason to continue our fight and as exhausting as it is, on we go.
We still don't set goals. We still have very vague hopes and dreams (most of them are for Bee) but I have learned to allow myself time to think about what we want in life. I call these my "one days". A lot of them are things people have that they take for granted and I know we are blessed and we'd be even more blessed if we one day get our one days.
1. A house to call our own (rented or owned, either way)
2. A yard for Bee to play in. A yard for us to garden in. A yard for us to build bonfires and bond as a family over smores. A yard to hang a hammock and lay out in the sun on lazy summer days just enjoying life and our family. A yard Bee can play hide and seek in. A yard to hold family BBQ's. A BBQ so that Stephen can do one thing he loves, BBQ.
3. A place where I can do laundry and don't have to throw my shoulder out moving the wash machine from our room into the bathroom (don't get me wrong, this is MUCH better than our last place which had no laundry, I do NOT miss Tommy Suds)
4. A room just for Bee. Right now she shares it with our storage items
5. A place to properly store our holiday decorations, camping gear and all the boys items
6. A place to respectfully hang the boys pictures and some of their things
7. A space to eat dinner around a table (our kitchen is currently my office as well as sewing area)
8. A place for Bee to play inside on all the rainy days
9. A place to hide the cat litter box, put it somewhere other than a main living area
10. An office for Stephen so he can get organized and work even better
11. An office for me so I can sit and write and not be distracted. An office for me that has room for my sewing table so it doesn't take up our dinning table
12. A place to sit outside at night after Bee goes to bed, sipping some stiff drinks and talking to my husband
13. A space I can fill walls and walls with photos (if you know me you know I don't leave walls naked, I fill them with photos) I struggle with taking pictures down and replacing them with newer ones
14. A proper guest room and space for my parents to stay when they come visit
15. Another room or two to expand our family
16. A gas fireplace, sitting in front of fires always calms me so much, it's one thing I wish we had after the boys died
17. A space to properly entertain our friends and family
18. Financial freedom
19. The ability to get the treatment I need and not have to worry about going into financial ruin from it
I have a few more one days but as you can see, right now they are largely based on us moving. It has been our goal and I guess it still is our goal to get into a place of our own. But that's all that matters to us right now. There isn't much else in life that as important to us, other than health. We have wonderful family and friends, a great church community, our health (even though I struggle mentally, physically we're all pretty well) material objects don't matter so all we really need is a place to call our own. One day.....
P.S. This also happened....only two more months and I have a birthday to plan!