Bee and I decided to go out for breakfast this morning but we didn't feel like going to sit in a restaurant so I packed a picnic, ordered our food from Edgar and Joes (a local café) and headed to sit with the boys. I decided I wanted breakfast with all my children.
I sat there thinking about where I was. Here I am, 30 years old, eating breakfast in a cemetery just to be with all my kids. Did I ever envision this would happen? Not for a second, I couldn't even fathom what was occurring but there I was.
It reminded me that even at 3/4 years in, my grief over Ty and Jacobs death, my sorrow at times is still as deep as the day it happened. So many people expect us to be over their deaths but how do you get over the death of someone you love? Do you ever? No, you don't. It seems that in the infant loss world we are expected to get over our childrens death but we do not expect the same for someone who losses a mother or spouse. They are entitled to their greif years later but we are not? Is that fair? Sure isn't. My love for Ty and Jacob is just like any other mother who loves their children. It is never ending, it is powerful it is strong. Ty and Jacob taught me what it is like to be a mother while Bee is teaching my what it is like to be a parent. But, just because Ty and Jacob do not reside in our home, eat our food, breathe out air, walk on our grass does not mean my love, sorrow or grief for them will ever be gone. It is my life sentence. I am shackled to the pain of sorrow. Yes, there are days where it isn't as deep but days like today remind me of my great love for Ty and Jacob.
Sitting in the cemetery enjoying breakfast with my crazy awesome, beautiful, loving, kind caring little girl would not have been possible withouth Ty and Jacob. They have taught me a lot about life and I am thankful for that. They have shown me that my love for them is deep and it will always be. People say time heals all wounds but this is a wound no amount of time can heal. How do you heal your love for someone who is gone? You don't. You live with it, you find a place for it and you cherish what you had but you never heal from the death of a child. That day will never come. I will always love them, I will always miss them, I will always see the injustice in this world and I learned that at an early age.
As we were packing up to leave, I said to Bee "it's time to go goodbye" to which she said "bye ty, bye acob" and blew two perfect little kisses. The tears that had been puddling in my eyes came pouring out. Bee, I'm so sorry you have to grow up eating breakfast in a cemetery. Its a shit stick we were all dealt. I am sorry you know the routine of how we say goodbye to the boys because we go so often. I am sorry you don't have your brothers here and I'm sorry you know about death at such an early age. I'm sorry you may not be understood when you choose to show your love for your brothers even though they are not here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is not the life I envisioned, this is not what I had hoped for or planned for but here we are. There we were, eating our Sunday breakfast at the cemetery so we could all be together. How again is life ever fair?