I rocked Bee to sleep longer than normal tonight. I just had to sit and hold her, feel her warmth, smell her sweet, sticky forehead and feel her chest rise and fall. I needed her in my arms. Today was a good day for us. I really took in all that Bee is. I found myself staring at her many times just thinking how.....how did I luck out to have such an amazing little girl? She is the perfect mix of rough and tumble (loves her trucks) and pretty and proper (loves her purse and tutus) I mean I could not ask for a more awesome daughter. I already have the perfect one. She is amazing. Speaking of Bee.....
I received an e-mail the other day from a lady, which it was a beautiful email, but she mentioned something that I had never realized before. She said that she had been following my blogs and that I talk a lot about PTSD the death of the boys but I only touch on raising Bee. I guess there are a few reasons I don't tend to talk about parenting Bee. 1. I'm protective of her, she didn't choose this life, I don't feel she should be over exposed. 2. I think the main reason is because, if you're a parent you will understand, parenting is tough stuff. It's not for the faint of heart and it is not easy. I don't feel talking about it is necessarily appropriate because yeah there are moments Bee drives me absolutely crazy, but what 18 month old doesn't come with an adventurous nature? It's just how kids are at her age but I don't like talking about it because I know there are mothers out there who would give anything to deal with the struggles I sometimes deal with. I don't want to offend anyone and I don't mean to but for this one post, let me indulge you.
Bee is a mini-me. Every time I tell my mom what kind of shenanigans she is getting into she tells me it sounds very familiar (meaning I was a rebel child as well). I get a leg up because she's like me so I understand how she works. But, there are days where she makes me eat lots of chocolate, lots of chocolate!
However, I would NOT for a moment change any of it. I know I am blessed to have Bee, I love that girl to infinity and beyond. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I also know the personality and qualities she show now are going to help her in life. She is and will always be an amazing girl. She is very independent. She is a thinker, she is a mover, she is a doer. She climbs, oh my how she climbs. I cant tell you how many times a day I say Bee get down or Bee be careful. I'll be completely honest, I'm a bit surprised we have not been to the ER yet with all her crazy antics. She likes to explore, she likes to stay busy, she is wild, she is fiercely stubborn but above all else she is my daughter and my world. Yes, there are days where she drives me crazy and I truly do believe I have a ton more patience to deal with her because I realize how lucky I am to have her in my life but that doesn't mean we don't have our bad days. There is a reason she starts "school" this week. Some days it is too much, some days I cant handle it. Parenting regardless of loss is not easy. I just feel I need everyone to know that yes even we have hard days parenting a toddler. We aren't an exception because of our losses, we still struggle, Bee still knows how to "push our buttons". So while most days I only talk about the good, it's because I choose too, it doesn't mean we don't have bad days (we do, trust me we do) but shes 18 months old, it's just who she is and its how she is at this age. It does not for one minute change how I feel about her, nothing ever could. I choose to see the good in life everyday, including the hard ones, including the times my daughter behaves like me (can't really blame her) because I know, as hard as this parenting bit is, it's also the most fun, rewarding and adventurous time I will have in my life.