Just when I think Phoebe can't get any cooler or more awesome, she goes and totally rocks her first day of school. Since I have had about 30 people ask me how her day went, let me break it down here for all of you (easier than typing 30 different times).
Bee was her normal self this morning and I was oddly not horrendously anxious (I think we both hit the point of being more than ready for this). We packed her bag, piled in the car and headed to school. I kept making exciting sounds about going to school and hoping it would hype her up. We entered the building and she started throwing a fit, not because she wanted to leave but because she wanted to get down and play. We were guided to our room and I put her down. I stood there for a few minutes while Bee happily went off and started playing, interacting with the other kids. Then I made a hard decision. Would I acknowledge that I was leaving (which I fully intend on doing) or just go. Seeing as this was her first day, I decided the later. She was happy I didn't want to upset her. I was told that she did pretty well, once the door started to open and shut more she became upset but was comforted by the ladies holding her and, strange child she is, once she put her coat on she settled in. I was told she had a lot of fun outside (of which I totally believe, girl loves being outside) and that she ate her snack well (wait, you're telling me my daughter sat and ate a snack? Okay I don't believe that....) So there were tears...but not a lot.
As for me, I left and decided to go treat myself to my new fav Starbucks drink, blackberry mojito tea lemonade. I drove back close to her daycare and sat in the car. I made the plan to check in at an hour and see how she was doing, I actually intended on picking her up after an hour because I was sure she would need it. The hour passed and I called. They told me she was adjusting well (and I believed it because I did not hear her blood curdling in the background). They told me she was having fun and currently eating her snack. I made the decision to let her stay until after lunch. That's when the tears started for me. It wasn't anxious tears, it was more tears of relief. Relife that she was okay and that I could have some me time so I headed to do some antique shopping.
I picked up lunch for myself knowing Bee would fall asleep in the car on the way home and went to pick her up. I walked in and there she was, sitting at the table (SITTING) with her bib on (BIB ON) eating her food (EATING). She was content, she was happy and though she ran to see me, we sat back down to finish her lunch, with all her new friends. We finished and headed home and as suspected, she was out before the car started moving, good thing I packed my lunch. Next time, we will try a nap there!
It was my first Bee free day and did I enjoy it? You bet I did. Did I feel guilty? A shit ton. Do I feel like a horrible mother for leaving her? Yup, to the fullest extent. Do I feel even more like a horrible mother because I actually enjoyed my few hours away from her? Oh lord, it's tremendous guilt.
The thing I learned today is that, when a mother takes a break from her children (which every mother needs and if you know Bee you know how spirited, adventurous and strong willed she is, I need a break) it does not lessen her love for that child. It does not mean she doesn't like her child, that she doesn't want to be around the child or that she doesn't love that child. By no means did it hinder any of my love for Bee. It made me miss her like crazy but it gave me time to breath. It gave me time to enjoy, it just plain and simple gave ME time. Me time is something I have not taken in quite sometime (not since Bee was born especially) but it is something I need. I love Bee to friggin bits and pieces and LOVE every single second I spend with her, but I do need a break. Parenting is tough, I need a break but Bee also needs a break from me. She needs to socialize, she needs other structure, she needs other interactions. She was happy and content when she woke up and we had a great after noon together. So the first day was a successful, I feel like a horrible mother and we'll do it again.