Today Bee and I headed to a Post Partum Depression (PPD) group. I'm glad we went. I had been pondering the idea for awhile as I have been really struggling and as per the suggestion of Stephen and the social worker, I thought it would be a good idea so when another baby loss mom mentioned she was going I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to actually go. I found it incredibly helpful. The thing with me is that I find when I am in the presence of others who are going through what I am it is so comforting and helpful to sit and listen and talk with them (just like grieving the boys) Not to say I'm against medicine at all, I'm not and I know its there if I need it but for me talking helps the most.
What I have been struggling with has been overwhelming and today going to group helped me sort out some of the issues. My biggest issue is not knowing whether I'm really struggling being a new parent or just sad missing the boys. I was encouraged to go and not talk about the boys but since I had to tell my back story it was inevitable as were the tears but I'm at a point now that I can compose myself again and get on with my day. Anyways, sitting and listening to everyone made me realize I'm pretty sure more of what I am going through is being a new parent over my grief.
For example, the carseat is the bane of my existence, I HATE it and I know Hate is a strong word but it's not strong enough to describe how I feel about the stupid carseat. I did my research and found the one we are going to next and it will be much sooner than planned because I HATE, DESPISE the car seat we have now. Or how Bee hates tummy time, again strong word but describes it quite well. Or how she doesn't nap during the day and how sometimes when Stephen leaves a fork on the counter instead of taking the two second to open the dishwasher, I want to poke him repeatably with it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Stephen with all my heart, he is a great guy, hard worker, awesome dad and partner but sometimes.......and today I learned I am not alone, especially when it comes to the annoying partner things.
Today was a good day and I do plan on continuing to go and may go to a few more groups this place has, infant groups, mother baby wellness etc....I know it's important for both Bee and I to get out and interact with other moms and babies so off we go next week (if I feel okay after my procedure)
In other news, Bee is now big time on smiling, she really likes to be social. When new people see her she smiles and tries to talk to them. She even smiles for me now when I smile at her. I LOVE it! She is still sleeping really well, all through last night (though I was up and did not sleep as well) but I did get a good amount of sleep and have been but I find I'm still exhausted. We got out for a good jog yesterday and discovered a nice little market close to us with local produce and meats and even has an ice cream stand. I know where we will be going for ice cream this summer! The best part is it's a 20 minute walk there and another 20 back so we have to work for our ice cream. I have a feeling we will be walking there a lot during the summer, picking up fresh veggies for dinner that night and some yummy treats. I was really happy that I was able to push myself to actually jog and I didn't have any pain (until today) The weather is suppose to be crappy the next few days so I don't know when we will get out for another walk or job but hopefully we can squeeze one in here and there.
My weight loss is at a stand still so I am cutting sugar back out and trying Gluten free (more so due to my horrible headaches lately and generally feeling blah) Today was day one and it was hard! I went to a gluten free bakery in town to stock up on a few things but still, all I wanted tonight was a pizza and the only pizza store with gluten free crust is pizza pizza and I'm not a huge fan of them anymore. We ended up having yummy antibiotic and hormone free burgers. It's the only kind of meat we buy now. I'm totally all about local, organic, natural, antibiotic and hormone free as well as no BPA, no plastic #7, nothing with fragrance etc....pretty much trying to live as healthy as possible and Bee will be raised like that as well. I'm scared to know that cancer and a bunch of other things are so much more common these days and the only thing that has changed is the way of living so I am going to go back to the old way and be as natural as possible to eliminate as many things as I possibly can.
Bee's other new thing is doing sit ups. She hates tummy time and I won't make her do it so I'm glad she's getting tummy muscles the other way. We've been cuddling a lot lately. I'm trying to cherish every moment I possibly can. I don't want to miss a second, even if she is screaming, I just want to hold her and love her. Speaking of which, I think she's up to finish the rest of her meal before she settles for the night and then I am off to bed so I can get a good amount of sleep.
Doing my sit ups