8 weeks 5 days: A lot of people assume just because I am pregnant again that I have now have no problem with other pregnant women. The truth is (and I want baby loss mamas to know this so they know they aren't alone in the feeling) It is still very difficult for me to see pregnant women because chances are their babies will be fine and after two losses, well I don't know if this baby will make it or not. I'm jealous that they are so naive and innocent, that they have so much excitement and all I am filled with is sorrow, grief, terror and fear. It's still hard as a baby loss mama to be around other pregnant women, the only exception to that is those who have had a loss and that loss meant something to them. They get it, they understand that there is little excitement and mainly shear terror at being pregnant again. We go into every appointment having mini panic attacks. Every time they try to find the heartbeat we hold out breath, every time they do an ultrasound we expect to hear the worst. There is no joy, only small events which may make us cautiously optimistic.
For me personally, I don't do the whole "happy excited omg your pregnant" thing, after all we have been through that just does not happy, those feelings just do not come up. Instead I'm more, "praying my heart out that this baby has a heartbeat and all it's organs are in the right place" kind of pregnant woman. I get really irritated when I hear pregnant women complain. I'm not just talking about oh I have morning sickness (because I have written a lot about that but at least I am thankful for it, I know it's a good sign) but things like, this baby better be a girl or boy, I hope the baby sleeps well, I'm so tired I just want this pregnancy to be over with (I wish I could be pregnant forever, at least the baby is somewhat safe inside me), I don't like when this little one kicks because it annoys me and keeps me up (yet here I was desperately trying to get Jacob to move every night, I woke up every two hours to make sure he was moving still) women who have not had losses take pregnancy for granted, I'll admit with Ty yeah I complained because I was sicker than a dog (not sure where that term comes from, thought about that the other day) I had every side effect a pregnant women could (well all non-life threatening ones) it was rough BUT I was thankful. I didn't complain much (other than the morning sickness) because I knew it would all be worth it and even though we lost him, you know what, it was still worth it. That's one reason we went through everything we did with Jacob, we knew it would be worth it and those 2 1/2 days were priceless to us!
So other pregnant women do bother me because they don't know how precious the little life inside them is, they take it for granted and complain about the stupidest things. I'm not saying every pregnant woman does, I'm sure those who know someone who has been affected by loss are a bit more reserved in their pregnancies but it's the ones who act like nothing can happen and for them, most of the time they will be fine so I'm sure thats why they act like it yet I am suppose to hide my boys from these pregnant women to "protect" them, I think thats the biggest load of BS ever. I wish someone would have told me not all babies live, that things could go wrong (I knew that too well the second time) I know that even more so this time. I don't take any day for granted, as you can clearly see by this blog, each and every single day is a small victory. Friday will mark 9 weeks, half way to our big ultrasound some may say, but for us, it means 3 weeks to our next big ultrasound. The fact is, every ultrasound is big for us, we know at any point something can go wrong, every appointment is a big deal for us, filled with anxiety and fear. We take it day by day because that's all we can do. We appreciate each day, I appreciate each time I run to the bathroom gagging and how tired I have been. When I don't feel nauseous I get this pit in my stomach, a fear that something is very wrong. I know my morning sickness is suppose to settle down in the coming weeks (with Ty it didn't until week 25 so I still have hope) but I do hope there is still some sign for me that everything is okay. Faith is really hard for me to trust right now, as hard as I'm trying, it's not easy. I do have faith but I also like signs.