They run my life now. The fear and anxiety I have had lately has been of massively epic proportions, so much so that there are things I simply cannot bring myself to do out of fear. It is eating away at my soul. Every inch of my being is laced with fear. Every thought I have goes there, it goes to the dark place of what "could" happen and it's always that Phoebe gets hurt or dies.
I know life is not guaranteed but there is a lot I can do to protect her. There are things and situations I have control over that can protect her and when it comes time to push myself to let go a little, I cave. I fall back 100 steps. My heart starts to palpitate, I start to get sick to my stomach. I can feel the tension in my head start to rise. I start to gasp for air. I feel faint, dizzy, out of it. Every inch of my being is consumed with fear. Fear that something will happen to my little girl.
Here's an example. I joined a research study for new moms that involves me attending the YMCA to get fit. Great idea, I was stoked to get accepted into the program and even more stoked that I have a free 3 month YMCA pass. We've already taken Phoebe swimming and plan to use it as much as we can, within limits. Sounds great right? I thought so to until tonight. My babysitter, aka, Daddy was all set to watch her tomorrow so I could go to class but now he will be out of town and I have to make an extremely hard decision. I do NOT feel comfortable leaving Bee in the child minding room, which is an option for most and most have no problem but me, no I'm different. My mind goes there. Your probably wondering what on earth could I possibly be so terrified of. Well let me enlighten you.
1. She will get hurt. It's a tiny child minding room that will be filled with about 10 other infants and probably about 10 rambunctious small children running all over, you see where I'm going with this? If they place Bee on the floor and a rambunctious small child is running around being rambunctious and not paying attention, Bee gets stepped on and gets hurt.
2. She will not get the attention she needs (if you do not know my baby, she is high needs) She will cry and cry because no one is giving her the attention she needs due to the fact that there are 10 other infants that have to be taken care of as well. She'll cry so much and so hard that she will choke on her saliva and die.
3. If something happens or she needs me, they won't be able to find me in time.
4. This one is my biggest issue. The Y I will be attending is also a community center so anyone from the community can walk right in. The child minding room is not hidden, it's right there when you walk in. Bee will not be protected shall anyone from the community decide to walk right in and harm the children (don't think Newtown Connecticut isn't n my mind and yes I know I live in Canada but shit happens here too) Anyone can freely walk in and my poor little lady has no line of defense (I've heard the other Y I can use, you have to scan your card to get in so she would be protected there)
5. Someone can take her. Yup, they can just walk right in, sign her out and take her. Given the people child minding have no idea who I am, I was told they do not ask to see ID so whose to stop any random person from trying to take her? I surely do hope I was misinformed and they have some kind of id check. If not I am going to require it for her.
6. She has severe separation anxiety to the point she almost stops breathing if I'm gone too long (with the exception of being with her Daddy or GG and usually only at home) I don't want her to be scared. I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her. I want her to know I'm here for her and always will be. I don't want her that upset, it breaks my heart. It makes me worry that even if and that's a HUGE IF, if I attempt it, I'll probably be called 10 minutes later because she won't settle down.
7. Did I mention someone could take her, she could get hurt or she could even die?
Now, I know those situations are unlikely to happen, but you and I both know they "could" happen. I'm sure tomorrow IF I go either one of two things will happen.
1. Things go fine, she is okay in childcare and I go work out (while puking my guts up with fear)
2. She cries and cries and cries, they come get me 10 minutes later and I get no workout in.
I really wish my mind could go to the last two situations. I wish I didn't know the negative, I wish my mind never went there but it's my life. I've been through hell twice, tragedy has struck twice and I know it could happen again at any moment so I do what I can to protect my daughter and leaving her tomorrow just does not seem like a good thing to do. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, perhaps we will get in the car, drive all the way there and turn around. Perhaps we may even make it inside the door, maybe I'll even make it upstairs to workout, maybe we will both survive. But right now, today, I do not feel it will work out. I do not feel comfortable leaving my life with someone else. Yes it will happen someday, but when she is older and can fend for herself more.
Right now I am only comfortable with having her at home in the care of others. I'm even still just working on that!
My anxiety is at an all time high the last few weeks, so many firsts for both of us and there's only so much I can handle. I don't know if I can do it tomorrow, only time will tell. I wish it was as simple for me as the other moms who just leisurely drop their kids off, send them to a bunch of different activities, sign them up for all these programs, I wish I could do it with ease but I can't. I can't risk it for my little girl, not yet. She is my life, she is the reason I breathe. If anything happened to her I could not go on.
I'm sure some will read this and think really? She's anxious about that and really, those situations are rare. Why yes I know they are, but when you've already been a statistic and have been through a situation that has NEVER happened in time before, your eyes are open to the rare situations. Your heart becomes so vulnerable. Your mind goes there all the time, especially when everything is still fresh. I can only pray that one day, with time, it will ease. I will be able to do things without a second thought, without fear that she is always going to die but for today, I will hold her close and protect her because she needs that and so do I.