Today I feel broken...so...very...broken. I don't like the feelings I am having, I don't like the thoughts (not harm wise, just not being able to say positive, feeling like the victim). It's hard work to try and see the light at the end of the tunnel, to try and stay positive and to try and keep going. I am beyond exhausted at trying so hard. Some days I really just want to throw the towel in. Some days I pray we could just catch a friggin break, honestly, just for once I'd like a break. I'd like a "normal" life.
I wish I could go back, back to the days before all of it happened. I wish I knew or could remember what it felt like to live so carefree, to be so oblivious, to be so innocent. I want to feel the joy, the happiness, I want to feel life and love it. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of not being able to make decisions, I'm tired of being so forgetful, I'm just so tired...so...very...tired.
I feel like I am drowning in my sorrow lately, I feel my depression is defining me and I don't want it too. I want to define me but I don't know where to begin. How do you build from rock bottom? Where do you start? I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore or what I like. I thought I found a new passion in re-doing old furniture but my latest project has me doubting my abilities. I have so much doubt...so...very...much doubt.
I look at Bee, I look at myself through Bee. I am becoming a mother I do not like. I am becoming lazy and doing things I never wanted to do. Perhaps part of that is having an idealistic view of parenting but learning realistically, it was all a dream. But if that were the case, it would be yet another dream smashed to pieces. Smashed...to...pieces.
I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I'm afraid. I don't have answers to our problems, I feel like I'm a big part of causing them yet I can't stop, I have no way out. I simply do not know what to do, where to go, how to get out. I wish I could go back, back to the days before it all happened. I wish I could remember how easy it was to set goal and achieve them but these days, just taking a shower, getting dressed and eating are the only goals I can seem to get done. I'm working on Bee's big girl room and it is not turning out how I imagined. Perhaps my imagination is running to wild and I need to tame it. Perhaps I am setting up unrealistic thoughts and ideals to escape reality. I just want to escape.....just need to escape.
So much is happening and I know in the long run it's for the good of our family but right now it is hard to see. I'm loosing patience with all this waiting (not with Bee) I'm becoming very critical of everything I do, everything I say, everything I am. Perhaps it comes with the territory of being a parent.
I don't know much anymore, I have a plan but it is taking a very long time to get there. My patience is running thing with life. It needs to hurry up. I have waited long enough, now is my time. I need to feel whole again, as whole as I can feel with Ty and Jacob not being here. I need to feel that sense of life, the one I use to live for. It has to be somewhere, it has to.....I need to find it, search for it and bring it back to life. I just need a break. I can't wait until our family camping weekend, I need to reconnect with nature and my family. It will be good for the old soul.