I was looking for something on facebook this morning but I never found it because I got distracted by something and now I cant remember. I ended up viewing my "photos of you" album on facebook and as I started to look through the pictures I could not stop. Even though it hurt, even though it made me angry and even though the tears started to flow ever so softly down my cheek, I could not stop looking. I had to stare at that girl in those pictures. So full of life, so innocent, just living life to the most she could. I got angry, jealous, furious with her. Not that she was the perfect person but she didn't know sorrow, she didn't know pain, tragedy, heartache. She was free from the difficulties of life.
I looked at her and my heart sank, I will never again feel that joy or happiness or bliss because the death of Ty and Jacob has profoundly changed who I am. I no longer relate to that girl in those pictures. Nothing in my life then is the same as it is now. Not to say my life now is horrible, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful little girl, great house, transportation, financial stability, I have everything I wanted I just never imagined getting here would change who I was.
I cant relate to anything that girl use to be, my hobbies, interests, morals, values, thoughts on life and even family has changed. Not to say it is bad now but its totally different. I don't think I will ever be able to smile like that again. I know I will never be as ignorant. When Ty and Jacob died a huge piece of me died and that piece will never come back, it will always be missing. Nothing will ever change the fact that Ty and Jacob died and with them so did a part of my heart. It will always forever be with them buried in the ground.
It pains me and makes me jealous that the girl in those pictures was so clueless to the tragedies of life. How I wish I could go back to those days, the days of laughter and love, of innocence and bliss but I never will. I will never have that and perhaps that is why the tears fell. It hurt, it made me angry and sad to know I will never be that person again. Not only will I never be her again, but I struggle so much with who I am now. I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't even know what I like these days and I don't have much energy to figure it out. I have so much work to do on the new me and it will take a lot of time. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and figure things out one thing at a time.
As much as I wish some days I could go back to being that girl, I am truly blessed with many wonderful things in my life. If I was that girl again I would not have Bee in my life and I cannot imagine that. She is my everything. She is my life, my love, my light. I would not trade anything for her. My heart swells with so much love for her and on the hardest of days (which seem to be happening a lot more these days) I find I cry not only because I'm sad and miss the boys but because I have so much love for this little miracle. My love for her hurts in a way i never imagined and if I was that girl, I would not know or understand this kind of love.
I don't know if that smile will ever come back, but perhaps one day, some day, it will. Perhaps when I figure out who I am now and figure out our new way of life, perhaps when we are sitting on the beach watching a sunset with Bee and I running our painted toe nails through the sand, perhaps then I will get my smile back. I never knew my heart could hurt so much from such sorrow and at the same time hurt so much from such love. Grief is a funny thing.