Last night Stephen and I had the pleasure of attending the induction of our new rector. To be honest, anytime I am at church (minus the small fiasco of yesterday morning) I feel at peace. It is the one place (besides the cemetery) that I just feel at ease when I am present. Last night was very enjoyable, a new church experience for me followed by a nice evening of cheese, veggies, fruit and pickles for me, I was sans wine and stuck to my usual...water. The really nice thing about church and especially last night, we saw some people we haven't seen in awhile so there were many congratulations (which still to this day makes me giggle) but the thing is, I know when people in our congregation ask us how we are doing, they really mean it. We had so much love yesterday, so many people asking us how we were doing, of course I just said the simple answer "good for the most part" but really at this moment that is how we are.
We are in the calm before the storm, part two. We have surpassed the issues with Jacob and now wait 15 more weeks before our issue with Ty all the while knowing anything can happen at anytime. It's kind of a funny time, I'm not really anxious as stressed, I mean I have stressful moments but I know stress is bad for the baby so I'm doing everything I possibly can to avoid it. But, like my social worker said, it is ridiculous to think I could go through this pregnancy with absolutely no stress after what we have been through so I do what I can. I don't push myself beyond what I feel comfortable with and these days its not much. We stay close to home, spend time with those who make us feel better just by their presence because they understand where we are.
All of this still feels fake to me. Its like I've been here twice, I know this, it is no different then before but yet it feels so fake to me. For example, during our mat photo shoot we did some special Bee pictures and some special name pictures (names for both boy and girl) and I just sat there staring at these things and it felt like it wasn't really happening, like it was all in another realm of reality. I have yet to connect but at the same time I do a lot for Bee. I always take my vitamins, even on the days I gagged them up and chocked them down a few times. I reduce as much stress as possible, I eat relatively healthy, make sure to get sleep as much as I can, take it easy around the house making sure not to push myself. I do this because I know it is good for Herim and it has to be done. Whether or not I connect I don't want to risk doing something wrong and dealing with the guilt (I already have enough with Ty and Jacob) and the only thing I am really concerned about is the stress. I can only handle it so much and do certain things about it. Eating I can control, sleeping to an extent, insomnia and night time itching has me up all hours of the night but I still get a decent amount of sleep.
We really are in a funny stage, we are not ignorant to what can happen but we are in between one fluke and the next all the while trying to get ready as much as we feel comfortable doing. We are limited to what we can do in the realm of comfortableness. For example, October 27th Stephens cousin is getting married...may I add NOT in London. This is a huge step for me. Thankfully its only about 1 1/2 hours away from home so in my semi-comfort level. A few months ago I mentioned to Stephen that I wanted to head out early and go to IKEA first (I love my IKEA trips) and maybe even spend the night. But, as the time approaches, even the thought of being away from home for a whole day is too much. It is anxiety I can somewhat control by limiting how long we are gone, so IKEA was knocked off the list and so was staying overnight. I just simply cannot do it, the stress and anxiety related to it is too much!
I am very thankful though that Bee is such a good kicker. Whenever I notice I haven't felt a kick in a while (mostly due to me not paying attention) I start to panic but it does not take long for me to do something and for Bee to start kicking away. Hermin is good at the reassurance kicks. Now if herim can just keep them up I'll be all set! Today was a crampy day and I was worried but those sweet little kicks brought some ease and I came home and have been laying on the couch ever since and all my pain has gone away. Bee's kicks were even strong enough tonight that I could feel them from the outside.
This weekend is laundry weekend (I know exciting eh?) but we also have a retirement dinner for our church secretary which I know will be a good time, it always is at church and the food, they know how to make a pregnant woman happy. It is also Doors Open in London which Stephen and I have gone to the past 3 years and had a lot of fun getting to know areas of London we don't normally see so we will be partaking in that and next week is October first and don't even get me started about how close that brings us to Bee's arrival (though I still prefer herim waits until after the New Year) My moms birthday is on January 7th and she just told me the other day her grandmas birthday is also the same day, I think it would be cute to pass that little family tradition down, even though it may or may not be a girl to share in the woman tradition but non the less, even if it is a boy, it'll all work out. But that puts Bee here at 36 1/2 weeks so we'll see. It also all depends on when our high risk OB is on call, that is the main factor in deciding when to deliver between the 3rd and 10th and also what position Bee is in but we have not began to discuss that yet. That will not happen until at least 28 weeks and right now we have 2 1/2 more weeks until we still make our next milestone. And on that note, it's bedtime! And for Bee it's wake up and start kicking mom in the bladder time.