I received a rocking chair while I was pregnant with Ty at one of his baby showers. I guess you would call it glider, not a rocking chair, but regardless. I was rocking Bee tonight and she was fighting sleep like usual. I rocked her for a good 30 minutes which almost made me fall asleep. As I sat there rocking her I thought about that chair. I started to think about it because as I was rocking her and getting sleepy I thought they should make automatic rockers for adults. I always find it so soothing and I wish sometimes they'd have automatic ones for me. It led me to think about how many times I have rocked in that chair to put myself to sleep.
The first few weeks after Ty died I was often up in the middle of the night, teddy bear in my aching empty arms, rocking away. Rocking away my sorrows, back and forth, back and forth. I rocked until I couldn't keep my eyes open, I even fell asleep in that chair once after rocking for hours. I use to rock for hours because my heart was so hurt and my mind could only wander. I couldn't sleep. My sweet little boy was dead. He was gone, he'd never fill our home with laughter and tears. Instead, I filled our house with tears.
That rocking chair held me sobbing for so many nights. We then became pregnant with Jacob and for the first 18 weeks I would dare not sit in that chair. When we found out about Jacobs diagnosis it became our spot. I use to rock for hours singing "you are my sunshine" to him and rubbing my belly. It was our spot. It was my solitude. It yet again, rocked me to sleep many nights. It held my empty aching arms and sobbing tears.
Jacob was born and he died and once again, many nights I was up rocking in that chair. Absolutely heartbroken and devastated that this chair had been bought for me to sit in while holding my living child and rather here I was for the second time with it holding me, sobbing and mind wandering. Still childless.
We then became pregnant with Bee and I couldn't stand to look at that chair but because we are poor, we could not replace it (I don't know if you know this but gliders are not cheap). So I decided to re-do it. I added more padding and changed it to yellow fabric (to match Bees room). About half way through my pregnancy I felt comfortable sitting in it. This time, I sat and prayed my heart out. I sobbed my heart out, I pleaded with God to let Bee live. I prayed to not need this chair to rock me to sleep anymore. I prayed that instead I would be rocking my living child to sleep. I prayed I would be sitting in that chair nursing my wee one. I cried and cried thinking about this chair and all it has been through.
3 years after I received this chair it is finally servings its intended purpose. It shows its wear, just like my heart. Worn and squeaky from so much heartache and use.
As I sat there rocking Bee tonight I got emotional. 11 months ago we moved into this new house, Bee had her own room and it's where the chair was placed. I sat in that chair for the last month of my pregnancy with her (before I was admitted to the hospital) and continued to plead and pray to God to not let her die. To let her live and come home healthy with us. I can remember sitting there holding onto my Bee belly for dear life. Tears streaming down my face and my heart skipping beats. We were so close to meeting her and yet I had so much doubt about what would happen. I swore if she died everything was going, including the chair.
But Bee didn't die and today that chair holds both of us. We have rocked to sleep almost everyday since she has been home. We have nursed and read books in that chair. It has a new purpose now. It creeks and wakes Bee up and I still have an issue looking at it but we're still poor so on I rock. I know one day it will make its way out and will be replaced with a new life. I don't care if that new life is used from someone else, new to us is perfectly fine. But for now, that chair that held me crying for so many nights, now holds me rocking my daughter to sleep and to comfort her. It finally has good memories.
The chair shortly after we got it, all set up to welcome home Ty.
The chair after I re-did it, all set up to welcome home Bee.