I've always been a fan of The Biggest Loser. It's the only reality show I watch because I feel it isn't all about drama (though the last few seasons have had a lot of drama, this season did not). The last episode was the makeover episode. I found myself quite emotional. Here were all these people who had struggles in their lives and to see them change and become self confident was hard. They talked about losing themselves and how they started to see their old selves now that they had lost so much weight. They talked about feeling self confident and happy and felt a great sense of self worth. They talked about their second chance and how much it meant to them. They said they looked in the mirror and liked what they saw. They started to see who they use to be. It was all too much for me to handle. I'm happy for them but I'm also envious. As a baby loss parent no matter what I do in my life, I will never feel the same way. Some may say my second chance came when Phoebe was born and perhaps I see it that way too. But, there is a difference. My second chance doesn't come with self confidence. It doesn't come with the feeling of self worth or such happiness. It doesn't come with the ability to look in the mirror and like what you see. I still avoid the mirror as much as I can because even though I do feel I am in a better place, I still see how much I have aged. I still see the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the sorrow. I still see a woman struggling to become something, anything besides a mother in grief.
My second chance doesn't bring back the innocence , it doesn't bring back the old me. I continue to have to define the new me as the old me will never come back. I have seen the unthinkable, twice. I have been through the unthinkable, twice. I have buried a child, twice. I have gone to places that were dark and some days I still go there. Even though I feel Bee has given me a second chance at life, I'm envious that I still struggle wit self confidence, self worth, pure joy and happiness. I'm envious that I look so aged, I'm envious that when I look in the mirror I can't smile (I hate my smile and hope I can fix it this year, finances provided) I can't look at myself and feel much. I only see when I look into my daughters eyes. Through her I see the me that I currently am. I see the me that I want to become and maybe one day, down the road quite a bit, I will look in the mirror and like what I see. But as a baby loss parent, I will never get back the old me.
It is tough sometimes to see people who go through events in their lives and come out stronger and better than before. In a sense I do feel that way, but those people don't also have to carry the heavy burden of grief. They shed it with the weight lost. I will never shed my grief. I may have a second chance, but I have forever lost my innocence and it overwhelmed me quite a bit to see people so happy and having their lives back. I feel as a baby loss parent, that time will never come for me.