Today I give myself permission to feel sad. I give myself permission to cry all I want, eat what I want, scream at whatever I want and grieve the short life of my sweet Jacob. For two years ago today, 3 minutes from now, our baby boy was born into this world, his future unknown. We had fought so hard to get him here, we did everything we possibly could think of to give him the best shot and he so strongly fought for 2 1/2 days, to give us a bit of time with our little boy.
Today I will let my mind wander there. Today I will let myself think of every detail I can remember, smell his sweet clothes and the chemical smell from the NICU. Today I will watch his video and listen to music that reminds me of him, even though it makes me sad, today I will be sad. I will wear comfy clothes and eat sweets.
I can't believe it has been two years. Two years ago today I was in the c-section room, they were almost there, ready to bring Jacob out and then, in an instant, our doctor held him up and right now at 11:19am Jacob Tiberius Emmanuel was born. I will never forget his sweet brown eyes. I wish I could have bottled up his smell and recorded his sweet faint cries (which we were told would never happen) I remember laying on the table crying uncontrollably as they took him away to assess him. After a few minutes, Stephen was allowed to go see him. He took pictures and a video and brought them back for me to see. We had to wait two hours in recovery while Jacob was in the NICU and on my way to post partum they wheeled me beside my little boy. His future was unknown but what was known was how loved he was. We shared his journey with so many and that was apparent but the slew of visitors he had in his short life. So many people by his side, he was never left alone. He always had someone there loving on him for his 2 1/2 days of life.
It still seems surreal that everything happened. It seemed so long ago that we found out we were pregnant after burying Ty and then at 18 weeks we found out we'd have another angel. The next 18 weeks were such a rollercoaster with his ups and downs and the unknown. We were blessed to both leave work and spend as much time as we could with him, doing things while we could. It was a sacrifice we had to make and one we will never regret.
Then Jacob was born, he was here, living breathing but very sick. The doctors did everything they could and he was comfortable while we made preparations to say goodbye. We spent day and night with him and even though I was in tremendous pain from my c-section, I was up and by his side as much as I could be. He fought so hard and through every test we learned that it was not looking so good. We had him baptized, photos taken and then we had to make the hardest decision of our life, one I could never say (I told Stephen he'd have to say it) we pulled him off life support and he peacefully slipped away on September 7th.
We have so many good memories, lots of things Jacob used/had and so many photos. Photos that show the love by so many. I am at peace with how loved Jacob was, how much he was cared for by his amazing nurses (Marie and Nancy are the only ones I can remember) Though I still hold a lot of anger towards one doctor, I know Jacob was loved and that's what matters.
So for today, I give myself permission to feel and do whatever I want because for today I will be sad and angry. I will get McDonalds for dinner (we had McDonalds the night Jacob passed away and it's what I woke up wanting) We will get some yummy peach crisp instead of baking a cake because as much as I want to bake a cake for him, this year I can't. I cant do it yet. My energy is elsewhere. This year we bought him a gift and Phoebe will get to open it on her first birthday (she has one from Ty's 1st birthday too)
Happy 2nd birthday Jacob. We miss you so much and you are so very loved. I know you are having an amazing time in Heaven with Ty. We will meet again one day my son.
In honor of Jacob's 2nd birthday and Ty's upcoming 3rd birthday, between now and October 15th we are accepting donations to do something in memory of them. We are going to donate through World Vision and what we donate depends on how much we raise. So to everyone who reads this blog, please consider making a donation in memory of our boys. The link below will take you to our page (which also has our video)