It's been a tough week emotionally. I feel like the boys memories are winding down as we approach Ty's 3rd birthday. I felt motivated this year between Jacob and Ty's birthday, like there was a new sense about me. But as the 15th of October approaches, I find myself sad.
I've been thinking a lot about life lately. Our trip was so amazing, I felt so rejuvenated, until we got home. It seems we are back at it. I've been thinking a lot about grief and what it means. For me, especially at this time of year (it's Thanksgiving here in Canada) grief isn't only about Ty and Jacob dying. Yes, them specifically are a huge part of my grief but there is so much more to it. When Ty and Jacob died, so many more things died with them. I grieve the loss of our innocence. I grieve the loss of our hopes, dreams, future. I grieve the loss of the life I thought we would have. I grieve the loss of everything we had worked so hard to have. I grieve the loss of excitement and joy. I grieve the loss of our finances. When someone you care about dies, it's not only about them. Each person has such an impact on our lives that when one is gone, we grieve so much more than just the loss of them.
But at the same time, we are blessed. I think it goes without saying that the one thing we are incredibly thankful for this Thanksgiving is Bee. I don't think I could have made it through another Holiday without her here. She truly brightens my life. She has given me my life back. At the same time I grieve, I also live. I live through her.
I also feel the need to mention something you should probably never say to a grieving mother. It's been said a lot to me, especially since my story has gone viral and it angers me a lot. So many people have said something along the lines of, oh I know how you feel, my pregnancy with my baby was rough, we thought we were going to loose the baby. Please don't EVER say that to a grieving mother because you know what, you don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels at all. Yes I'm sure the thought of losing your child was scary but there is a HUGE difference between that and actually losing your child. You really don't know how it feels so please stop using that as a comparison. I was talking to another actual bereaved mom the other day about this. Almost experiencing one thing and actually experiencing one thing are different and should not be compared. It's like people lessen our feelings by saying things like this. So please, do not use this comparison while talking to a bereaved parent because unless you have buried your child yourself, you don't know how it feels.
Just be thankful on this Thanksgiving that you don't know what it truly feels like.
Happy Thanksgiving, what a difference a year makes!