11 weeks 5 days: As I sit here with only 45 minutes before we leave there are a few things running through my head. 1. At least I cleaned the house yesterday so we get to come home to a clean house. 2. At least I made most of dinner yesterday so Stephen can still eat and cook the rest. 3. I wanted to wear something nice that I look good in because when I am balling my eyes out I still want to look half decent doing it. 4. If I find out Bee has passed, I'm wearing my good capris, will I not want to wear them again? 5. Charlie is in a tizzy because creamsicle came by this morning (he does NOT like creamsicle, I think Charlie is partly racist) 6. I can barely manage to get anything down yet I have to fill my bladder and I had to eat because they are going to have to take all my blood.....or are they? They only take blood if baby is fine, maybe I won't get my blood taken. 7. How am I going to manage walking back to the car sobbing my eyes out, will we stay for a while and talk to someone? I know we have our appointment with the social worker but what will the next steps be? 8. I have to start guzzling water.
Do you all notice how it's all negative? I just cannot, my heart will not let me think, oh maybe, just maybe we will see Bee alive and well, growing on track with no signs of any disorders so far. I have been up since 4am. My mind will not stop with all the "what if's" though surprisingly I'm not that tired. Well not as of yet. I'm just sitting trying to choke my toast down (gagging is out in full force this morning) and sip away at my water. I've also been suffering headaches the last few days and hoping those settle down as well.
Well it is time for the appointment, we will learn Bee's current state of life. I'm terrified. One big milestone has finally hit and I am so scared! I fear she will be gone before most got to know her. Here goes nothing....
Bee is alive and well! Heartbeat was in the 150's, measurements were right on track, tests came back with no additional risk for anything related to Trisomy....getting refereed to the endocrinologist about my thyroid, 16 week appointment set for August 15th and our Dr will be doing a quick bed side scan to see how things are looking as we should get a good indication of where the fluid levels are at and perhaps if we are lucky, see a kidney or two. If not then, August 29th is when we have our 18 full anatomy scan and we ill know for sure by then. So, now that I've had the scan do I feel better? Hell no. Remember how I mentioned that perhaps what I was really afraid of was everything being okay and our next milestone is a huge one for us, yeah, I really think that's why I was so scared.
I did ask the tech if the baby's heartbeat was still there right away and she said yes but I felt no relief. I think it was at that point I got more anxious. We did see the social worker after but I think no amount of talking to people will ease my anxiety. I need to wrap my head and heart around the fact that what ever happens will happen. I'm so thankful and feel so blessed Bee is showing great signs of being okay, but so did Jacob and now I have 4 weeks to hold my breath until we start getting a glimpse at the future of our precious little Bee. Our Dr thought it would be better to do the bed side scan so we can be right there and I'm so glad he decided to do that, I seriously cannot praise my Dr enough. He was a blessing we met because of Jacob. He totally understands our fears and anxieties and will do everything possible to help us through, even if we want to come in for a quick peak. But I am going to try my hardest to wait the 4 weeks until my next appointment. I know Bee is starting to move so that I can feel her and I'm sure that will bring some reassurance over the next few weeks but these are some tough weeks ahead....some of the hardest, the waiting and not knowing, it's like what we went through with Jacob all over again but this time, it could end in good news. 4 weeks seems like forever and I'm sure it will seem like it as the time goes by too but we have lots to do in those 4 weeks lots to keep my mind distracted and lots to look forward to.
My anxiety has only increased at this point because now the next milestone I am focusing on is a pretty big one for us. I know over the next 4 weeks my mind will play the devils advocate on me. I know I will think all the negative thoughts and feel terrified about what the next scan shows but I know in my heart no matter what any scan shows, Bee is ours, maybe only for a short while, maybe for a long time, we will take whatever we are given with her. I know she has a special purpose and her life has already been set for her. The next 4 weeks are going to be incredibly challenging so any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated and I know everyone is already praying for Bee but Stephen and I (especially me) need prayers as well, we have some tough weeks a head of us. I just have to remember to breath.....hold onto my faith and hope....hold onto the dream I had and take it as God's promise that this will be our baby here to keep on earth.
One thing I will hold onto today is what our social worker told us. We're seeing the same one as we did with Jacob, she said that everyone on our team with Jacob and everyone we met was in awe of how we handled our pregnancy with Jacob and how it really showed people what true faith is and that even during hard times, you can still find faith. It was pretty powerful to hear that and people do tell us all the time we are inspiring but when we hear that doctors have said that about us and that it makes them recognize their own faith, that is pretty powerful.