17 weeks 6 days: All the news of yesterday has finally set in and honestly, I'm feeling sad. I was on such a high yesterday to hear Bee is healthy, with the small heart possibility (but like the tech said, she could see exactly what she needed to see but could not get a picture because of Bee's arm position) but other than that, Bee is A okay. I feel sad because I know that I should be happy. Everyone keeps congratulating us and I know Bee being healthy is something to celebrate but I know we still 18 more weeks to go and anything can happen in the next 18 weeks. I can't let my heart become vulnerable (as if it already isn't right?) TO be even more honest, I am even more scared now. Knowing Bee is healthy scares me because as much as I am afraid Bee will die too, bringing Bee home is just as scary.
It was like a HUGE weight was lifted off shoulders but it was replaced with another one. I made it the first 18 weeks, I pray I can make it through the second. I know as Bee gets bigger the kicks will get stronger and the more visits we will have but I don't think even that will reassure me. Two more weeks until we can go to L&D when ever we want to get Bee checked out and 6 more weeks until Bee hits the viable stage. Those are our next two milestones.
Either way, we are officially half way there and thanks to pinterest I found the perfect photo idea for the half way mark.....ps. it doesn't say 58, it says 50 but my belly button is such an outie it makes it look like an 8.
Going through a rainbow pregnancy is different for everyone. Some women still feel excited, yet cautious, while others are terrified and then there are the in between. Decisions about the nursery, finding out the gender, washing clothes, getting everything ready are tough decisions no matter how you handle a rainbow pregnancy. All of these decisions are so critical because do you really want to set up another nursery only to have it sit empty for years again? Do you really want to have to put clothes away in plastic bins again? There's so much more involved in the preparation.
For us the nursery was done before we were even pregnant, minus a few detailed items. We have the basics done, it was painted, we had a colour scheme, crib was up, change table was out, chair was re-done and it was mostly set up. That wasn't a hard thing for us since it was already there. We will install the car seat only because I want it checked at the car seat clinic for safety reason but the other preparations for me are hard. When do I wash the cloths, do I even wach the clothes (boy or girl both gender clothes will be washed) when do I put them in the drawers, when do I buy the baby bath items, the wipes, the things that expire?
Do we even buy things ahead of time or do we wait until Bee is safely here? The other hard thing is, Bee's gender may be a secret until birth so how do I prepare for that? In one way it's a good thing because I can't really prepare. I don't have to take the heartache of going through the boys things until Bee is safely here and at that point I'm sure I'll still be an emotional mess.
There are things I have been looking into. I finally decided we are going to get a BabyHawk Mei Tai carrier, the fabric and colour are another month long decision but at least I settled on the kind.
I settled on the wipes, all organic 100% natural bamboo wipes. I still need to research the whole bath products for about another month, read reviews, check them out in stores, ask opinions, it's a lenghty process and even though it is preparation I find it feels more like a mind distraction and still, I do not relate any of this to Bee, it's just to a baby we will someday have.
I do it out of hopes it helps me connect, helps me feel excited and at peace but I have not felt that yet. It is something I am really struggling with. I thought perhaps after Wednesdays ultrasound I'd feel something but I'm sad and still terrified. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even pregnant, there is such a disconnection between my mind, heart and uterus. Now that Bee is kicking more (and they are getting stronger) I would think my mind or heart would clue in but they haven't yet. This is just another struggle us rainbow pregnancy moms go through, not all of us do but a large portion do.
I will continue to do things for Bee even though in my mind it's just for any baby, I will continue to learn about the safest products out there. I will continue to make decisions and maybe one day my complete body will make the connection that there really is a baby inside me, one that deserves oddles of celebration. I just know it won't be easy. I can't get excited about anything because it makes me realize just how much I am missing out with the boys. Everything I do for this baby, preparation wise reminds me of the boys and what should be. Washing baby clothes will never be exciting, there will never be joy until Bee has worn them and pooped all over them. But I do it because it's something you do when you are expecting a baby except this is my third time doing it and I'm still not guaranteed that anything will be used.
I was excited when I got home today. I won a cloth diaper a few weeks ago and got to choose which pattern I wanted...I'm sure you can all guess what I chose....The owls I ordered online because I had been eyeing them for a year and HAD to get Bee one...or two...