My anxiety has been pretty intense the last three months. It has been in overload gear. So many thoughts running through my mind, so many terrifying thoughts. I've been struggling to keep them at bay but tonight I broke.
I broke to the point I don't know how to fix it. I can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong or why I feel this way (one of my reoccurring problems) perhaps it's because I feel completely unsupported in the way I am choosing to raise MY daughter. Perhaps it's the judgement from others in regards to the way I am doing things for MY daughter. My ideas, values and morals I want MY daughter to have are criticized because people don't raise THEIR children that way. No matter what way I choose to raise MY daughter, it's in her best interest. It's in her very best interest. Just because other parents don't raise THEIR children like I raise Bee does not mean their way is wrong and my way is right. It just simply means, it's different. We all do what is best for our children and sometimes that may be different. I just get so tired of the judgement and backlash when I decide to post an opinion on a subject related to raising Bee. I feel I am scrutinized and unsupported in how I want Bee to grow up. Just because people don't raise their kids that way, or because they don't understand, it doesn't give them the right to harass me about my decision. Let me raise Bee how I want to. I have her very best interest in mind constantly and make my decisions based off of my daughter and her needs and what I believe.
Perhaps its because I am tired of not getting the treatment I need due to politics or finances. I want to get better, that always has been my goal for the last 3 years. It's hard when you get passed around to different people and never get anywhere. You start out, get comfortable then you have to change and start all over. I'm really hoping the EMDR programs I am trying to get into will go well. I'm hoping it will finally be what I need. I have no idea how long it will take to get in and I am unable to bring Bee so I have to work on finding childcare for her which is a HUGE stressor. But, I have to do it.
Perhaps it's because I am tired of being tired. Bee still gets up every two hours at night. I have tried a bunch of different solutions but I just think she's not a good sleeper. I refuse to do CIO as I do not want her under that kind of emotional stress. It's just not for our family. She gets very upset during the day if I am away from her and not attending to her and she doesn't stop crying (just ask my parents who watched her for an hour and she cried the entire time) so I don't want this option to happen at night and be up all night with an emotionally distressed child. I'm not saying that happens to every child, it just does for Bee. I am trying new things all the time and we'll see how things go. But, at this point, I'm just accepting the fact that she is not a decent sleeper and that's fine by me, as long as I can get some sleep somehow.
Perhaps it's the constant reminders of the boys being dead. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard lately but there have been a lot of tears. I have felt so sad, so angry, so irritable, so hopeless. I cant listen to music without crying, I can't see brothers and sisters without crying, I don't want to leave the house due to my fears of catching the bugs going around nor do I really care to go out because I am a homebody and would prefer to stay in the comfort of my own home. I know it's not ideal and Bee needs to get out and explore the world, which is why I am taking a HUGE step an signing us up for a mom and child class. I see the way she interacts with other kids and she needs it. I can't let me inhibitions limit her life experiences. I think it's also a good step forward for us. I'm not ready to leave her but at least we are getting out of the house together and exploring the world.
Perhaps it's because this year we have a ton of traveling to do and I'm already exhausted thinking about it. We have our trip to Mexico (which I REALLY do not want to go on, so many fears, worries, stress, anxiety, vaccines, no vaccines, tummy bugs, safety, you name it, I've thought it) Stephens cousin is getting married, my cousin is getting married, my dad turns 60, friends want us to visit their cottage.....and all I care to do is sleep! It makes me dizzy and nauseous thinking about all of our travel. Oh and finding good travel bags is posing to be hard. Well, I should say, travel bags we can afford that fit what we need. When we flew out to LA, going through the airport lugging everything around was a bit cumbersome. I learned my lesson, I saw how others did it and now we need to invest in new equipment; so if anyone knows where to get a steal of a deal on luggage, let me know! We're looking for an upright with 4 wheels that we can push, not pull. Two large bags and two carry-ons.
Perhaps it's because I have so much to do for Baby's Nest that it is getting a bit overwhelming. I have a list of 200 companies I want to contact about going reviews and giveaway but I cant contact them all at once, I have to do them in batches and I have to formulate a really great email so companies will take me up on my offer.
Perhaps it's because we have a book that needs to be written so publishers can see a rough draft late spring early fall. I have no motivation to write most days. But, when I do find the motivation I can usually get 4 pages out in a day.
Perhaps it's because we have a lot to do around the house. Our Kijiji ad pile is adding up. It's taken over Bee's room and I have yet to get more pictures and post it online. Plus, I dislike Kijiji but it's worth a try to sell things on there first to get a bit more money. We also have all our decorations that need to go back up in the attic, which requires Stephen borrowing the ladder from work which is harder than it sounds. I need to get up in the attic one day too, go through everything and get rid of a lot of stuff.
Perhaps it's because some days I feel I don't belong to any group. I've never really cared to belong to a group but lately I've felt isolated. Sometimes I feel I don't even fit in with our bereaved group. Having gone through not one but two losses has completely destroyed me and for years I have been trying to build my self back up but have yet to succeed. I have a lot to work on this year, mainly for me. I need to become me. I need to know what I like and what I want and go for it. I need to get healthy and find ways to get more energy. I need motivation to get things done. I need to rediscover who I am and build upon that. I need to look at the woman in the mirror and for once, just for once, see life and not death. I have yet to see it, I hate mirrors. All I see is a sad, old woman who has little life left. I don't want to live like that anymore.
Perhaps its because, as much as I love our apartment, it's not our home. I want our forever home. I want to know that my hydro wont be turned off because my landlord forgot to pay the bill (3 months in a row). I want to be able to call a chimney specialist and have him come close the chimney completely so we're not all freezing in the living room. I want to be able to paint a mural on Bee's wall for her to grow up seeing. I want a place I can garden so I know where my veggies are coming from.
Perhaps its because I am terrified to raise a girl. How can I raise a strong, confident, independent young lady when I have such self hate. How can I show my daughter she is beautiful when I stand on the scale every day and say I am fat. I can't let my daughter see me like this. She deserves to only know beauty and love.
It has just all been so overwhelming and continues to be. I know we need to work on things, but it's hard right now. The biggest things is not having someone I trust to watch Bee. It limits a lot of what I can do and I don't have an out because I have yet to let go of the past and can't because I'm not getting the help I need. I've lost all faith, I don't care to attend church anymore because I don't feel it fits in my life at this point. I have lost hope, things continue to be a struggle for us and I just want a break.
I am just so incredibly humbled and thankful that Bee is in my life. That girl can make me smile even on the worst days. her curiosity, kindness, caring, kisses, hugs, eye pokes, farts in the face, spaghetti down your shirt etc are the happy moments of my life. She keeps me going and she gives me motivation to work on all the other shit.
On that note, it is bedtime. Here's to hoping we don't have a repeat of last night (up from 11-2 crying inconsolably)....