Day 1 :
Today is the first day I'm pretty sure I am pregnant. I will of course keep testing the next few days with better tests but it seems we need to buckle down because this is really happening. I was beyond thrilled to get pregnant on our first real try. I know God had everything to do with it, he knew if we got pregnant in May that my best friend would be home from England when Bee would be born and that would mean so much to us, of course that is, if everything goes accordingly to plan.
I can't say I really have any emotions, a bit of excitement, not as much anxiety as I thought but I have another 31 weeks to go for that to set in. We decided to take it week by week, try not to worry about the future and just enjoy every week we have this baby. We decided on the nickname Bee. I'm feeling pretty good pregnancy wise, I've had a bit of nauseousness and some dizziness but other than that it's been okay. With both the boys I was already exhausted at this point however, I feel pretty energetic, I can seem to get little sleep and do well. Perhaps this is because God knows I need to be focused at my new job (which by the time you read this you will all know about) I have been already having some growing pains and cramps but I remember those. I've been craving guacamole and I think we may have a mix of fruits and veggies and sweets baby. So pretty much I'll eat anything....different from the boys. This pregnancy is already different from my pregnancies with the boys, makes me wonder if my dream the other night, the one where I was pregnant and with a girl, really is an indication of what is to come. Of course we don't care about what gender the baby is, when we go in at 19 weeks all we'll care about is if the baby has all the proper organs and is looking healthy.
So baby Bee, here is to the next 31 weeks. We pray for you every day and night, we pray for your protection, we pray for your safety, we pray we actually get to bring you home, we pray you are our keeper. You only may be 5 weeks but you have already made your way into our hearts and you will always be there, no matter how short or long your time with us is (as I cry typing this, cue the pregnancy hormones)
It is now May 27th, 2012 and for the last few days I have been taking cheap pregnancy tests, all of which showed faint lines. I couldn't decipher them and even though a lot of the ladies on my TTC group said they were positive I did not believe it. So I went out and bought a digital test and took it this morning, it was clear as clear can be. How am I feeling? TERRIFIED! I was okay yesterday when I still wasn't sure but it's really happening. I'm so incredibly scared that we will lose this one too, I guess it goes with the territory of already having two losses. However, that has not stopped my love, like I foolishly tried to with Jacob. I'm already head over heels in love with bee. I started knitting a blanket and I will finish it before he/she is born. I am trying to remain positive and hopeful but it is damn hard to do that.
We are taking it week by week and not making any plans (C-section v. Vbac) until after 28 weeks. We just need to go week by week and knowing how Ty and Jacob were, we may not have a choice, it may have to be another C-section. All we care about right now is looking forward to week 8 which is when our first ultrasound will be. Then week 12, 16 and the big important appointment, week 19. This pregnancy will require extensive monitoring after week 20. I feel horribly guilty for taking a new job and needing to be gone so much but I will do everything possible to work around my appointments. Perhaps get them as late in the day as possible so I only have to miss an hour or two of work and can just use my lunch time to cover some of the time gone. I write this assuming I have a new job when I decide to share that we are pregnant and I know we will. I can only hope it is a very supportive environment.
My anxiety has started and I need to get it under control before it consumes me. This baby already has a purpose and I pray it is to fill our empty arms. This baby has two very special Angels watching over him/her who I know will do everything they can to keep bee safe, to see that bee arrives safely. I am only two days in but I feel I know this time it is a girl. I had a dream 4 nights ago, God told me I was pregnant, it was a girl and what her name was to be (which we are keeping secret and we may keep the gender secret as well) two days after I had that dream, I find out I am pregnant. This pregnancy is still very different from the boys. I'm not tired like I was with them yet but the biggest thing for me is I'm very dizzy. I get nauseous every now and then but nothing I can't handle.
All I can do is pray, trust, have hope and be faithful that this one will be our keeper. I have never had a miscarriage before but it is the only other perinatal loss I haven't had. I hope I do not have to know what that is like. I hope this baby has a superb sperm and egg and will be able to come home with us, healthy, happy, living, breathing. I have a lot of hopes and dreams and my heart has already fallen in love with 5 week old bee. Stephen says he knows this one is the one we are meant to bring home, I pray he is right.
This time we also are not going to live around our pregnancy. Our pregnancy will live around us and I mean that in a sense that with Jacob we didn't go anywhere, we left London maybe once because I was so afraid of being careful, but look where that got us and twice. I still want to enjoy the next 31 weeks regardless of what happens at the end. I want to create good memories, we still are going to Niagara Falls and we still intend on going camping, going to the beach, taking a few day trips here and there, we have to have something to keep us distracted because it will be a LONG 31 weeks, that is if we are blessed to even get that.
So I guess you can say I am a basket case. I am a ball of terrified nerves. As much as I try to remain hopeful, the fear and anxiety set in. I will fight for the excitement I once had. We will celebrate everyday we have with his baby and pray our friggin hearts out that this one is our keeper.
The fear is seeping through every porous in my body, I don't know how to stop it, I try to breathe but it does not come easily. We want to protect our hearts but at the same time we are so excited. How are we going to cope with the next week, the next month, the next 31-33 weeks? I pray we are blessed to make it that far....I refuse to let fear get the better of me, but it is hard to plan for my hopes and dreams. We are both anxious, anxious to have the first ultrasound to know if it is even a viable pregnancy at this point. We can't get to ahead of ourselves...we need to take this week by week, it is the only way to do it. But the fear is so intense, it is right in the back of my throat. I feel like I am choking on my fear, that it will kill me