I have been working away on our book and the irony of the entry I am typing tonight. This was written shortly after Ty died. If I had only known that these words would come to life for us.
"one of the ladies at group said something that opened my eyes a bit and brought some relief to me. Since Ty was stillborn we didn't get to spend anytime with him and I was very envious of people who had even a day with their babies but after hearing her story, I don't really feel that anymore. Her son was born with a birth defect. They had two days with him but during those two days they had to sit by so helpless and watch their son suffer and die. I can't even fathom having to sit helplessly as my child was dying and suffering. I am thankful Ty and us didn't have to suffer that experience. Ty only ever knew love, he never suffered and I would much rather know that he never suffered then to have a day with him but have him suffer. I don't feel so envious anymore that we didn't get anytime with him because I know he never suffered and all he knew was love and happiness. Of course, I still wish we did have the time with him but if it meant he would suffer, I'm okay with the fact that we didn't. I just really miss him. I had so many dreams and hopes for him that I wont get to experience."
1. The irony that I even wrote that and not even 10 months later we would be in that exact position, it astonishes me.
2. Why did I feel the need to compare my loss? It's something I seemed to do in the beginning, I have since learned that is ridiculous. I don't compare anymore. Any baby dying, whether stillborn, neonatal or even young child. It sucks, it all sucks it all hurts, it all leaves us feeling so helpless and I now know that.
3. I can now fathom how horrific it is to go through sitting by your child's side and helplessly watching them die. Knowing that Jacob suffered, that he felt pain. I can only pray that he also felt love and comfort.
4. This is such a shit stick. Honestly, being a baby loss mama is no path I wish for anyone to take. I wish no parents had to make decisions or watch their children die. Do you know how hard it is to tell the doctor to pull your very loved and very wanted child from life support? To sit there and have him take his last "breathe" in your arms. To hold your dead child lovingly all night because you know come morning he will be placed in a little black box to be taken to his forever home. It all sucks so much but I never, not even for a second, would I ever change not having the boys. Our 9 months with Ty and our 9 months and 2 days with Jacob were worth living for. As hard as it was and as helpless as I felt, I am thankful I had the time with my boys as I did.
This journal, re-typing t has brought so many emotions and it's not easy to write about this stuff but I do find it healing. You know what else I find healing? This little cherub, my sunshine, my life.....and yes she went through an entire box of Kleenex. It's kind of her thing.