Spring has sprung in our neck of the woods. In response, my anxiety has bubbled to the surface in regards to facing the park. Bee and I have been going to the park for a few weeks now. Sure it has been cold and icy and snowy but we like to get out, it's how we roll. The good part about it having been cold was not a lot of people go out so we have had the park to ourselves the last few weeks, just the way I prefer. However, in light that spring officially arrived and brought somewhat warmer weather, I face one of my greatest anxieties. Park moms. Bee and I run the risk of other moms being there with their children.
Some may say this isn't a bad idea and some may even look for this as a way to have an adult conversation outside of the home. But for me, I like to avoid it. Even if we have only been at the park 5 minutes, if another mom shows up with kids we bolt like a racing horse at the start of a race. We rush out of there, avoiding all eye contact and verbal contact as possible. See, I'm not the most social person, never really have been either, but these days, it's even worse.
Give me a park filled with bereaved moms and their kids and I will happily sit around and chat, but those "normal" moms make me anxious. I fear they will ask if Bee is my only child and I don't want to face having to answer that. I've never been one to make small talk, I hate it. Park moms do that, they ask about your children, they try to make small talk and I rather stick a knife in my eye. I rather rip my jugular vein out Rick style. I don't like it, it makes me so uncomfortable so park time will be limited. I will try to find the best possible time to go when there may not be anyone there because lord knows if someone shows up, even if I just put Bee in the swing, we're leaving.
As much as Bee loves the park, it's too hard for me right now. Until Stephen can join us, times will be limited and I feel horribly guilty for that. I see Bee and how she wants to interact with other children. It's a part of childhood, making friends, playing, being magical and I'm hindering it. I don't like to be around other moms with kids her age because ha, get this, it makes ME uncomfortable. I know I have to change, I know I have to do better by Bee. She deserves it, she deserves to play and be around kids her age and I can't let me inhibitions hold her back. I just need to find the right place and time and the park is not that place.
I've been having a really hard time lately, missing the boys, dealing with life, I just can't do it right now. I am fragile, I am vulnerable and I feel I've fallen back a step and can't talk about the boys without falling apart. I rather just avoid it all together.
But for Bee, I will find something. It is only fair to her and I don't want to be the reason she is socially awkward when she is older. Once I get my grief under control and the rest of the stress settled, I will find a way to fit in with the "normal" moms.