I will never forget what a silent womb feels like, the emptiness that it brings, the life it once held is no longer there, it's just silent. One of the ladies in one of my rainbow pregnancy groups lost her second rainbow on December 6th. I cannot imagine her pain, 3 little babies stillborn, all at a gestational age where if they were taken out they could have survived but for some reason people continue to experience the heartache. Her last two, her rainbows, gone. There is no rainbow for her, she continues to battle the storm and I can't help but think, what if that is me? I mean I know she was really sick and in the hospital and even though Bee is as healthy as can be and I'm doing okay, I know life is not guaranteed. On days Bee is quiet I wonder if it is the end. I wake up many times a night to make sure Bee is still alive (as we are pretty sure Ty died during the night) I can't sleep as it is but with this extra anxiety and with it increasing week by week, I'm doing what I have to do.
I will never forget the silence I felt in my womb after we learned Ty had died and how empty I felt after I gave birth to him. It is an indescribable feeling of intense sadness. It has instilled fear in me. We know Bee is healthy and has had just about every pre-natal test possible but that does not guarantee that Bee will be coming home with us, or even yet, Bee being born alive. My anxiety is starting to get to me.....
My anxiety tummy bug is back, I do not like feeling like this, it's so hard to eat but I know I have to for Bee's sake. It's just so hard most days, I feel so sick with fear, I may have to go back on medication at least for my stomach for now and hope that's enough. Of course I will still keep eating because I have too but what I eat is limited. It's a good thing I still crave fruits and veggies. I'm also not sleeping, though this is partly due to a fur ball named Charlie but I am thankful for that. It's nice to be able to get up during the night and feel Bee's sweet kicks, they are so reassuring. I have also found I have a very short temper, I'm so incredibly moody and negative. Every little thing bothers me and I just don't want to deal with people, time for this mama to buckle down and become a home body for the next few weeks.
At least I have plenty to do here! Boxes are disappearing at an alarming rate (though the crap that was in them is now out in it's full glory for all to see) but I am getting there, I just feel so overwhelmed on where to begin so I go from room to room and do bit by bit. Today I worked on the living room. I emptied all the boxes and put away most things except decorations so we can at least have the living room set up the way we want it. It's coming together, slowly but surely. I can't help but giggle and just think, for all those who think the world is going to end on the 21st, I sure am working my butt off for nothing....but just in case it doesn't end, I want a nice clean organized house to live in.
We have a Festivus celebration tonight with some of our bereaved family which I am looking forward too! It's hard to explain but being around people who just get it is so peaceful and calming. Here Stephen and I are celebrating our 3rd Christmas without Ty and our 2nd without Jacob and we celebrate this holiday season with a few couples who are going through their first holiday seasons. I remember what it was like to go through that, the emotions, the pain, the suffering....but to be around those who also feel that, there is something so special about that. It's one of the only things to help make this time of year a bit better, to soften the blow a little. Then tomorrow I am off to my first ever cookie exchange thanks to my husband who made cookies just so I could go. He's awesome. He also built Bee a closet since Bee needed one. I've never been to a cookie exchange but I am excited, it's also a big step for me because I only know one person going, I'll be meeting new people which if you know me is NOT my thing! But for the sake of cookies, I'm doing it! Now what I have heard is that you go get all these cookies and then divide them up and give them to people....see I think I should just be able to eat them all because yes I really do need all 106 cookies.
The plans for the rest of the week involve trying to stay sane and getting some sort of food down, unpack some more and look forward to Bee's appointment on Friday, full ultrasound so hopefully we can get a good picture now that Bee has turned, though I think Bee is now sideways. We also have the dreaded pre-admit app but I am hoping they get me in to see the psychologist and will have to reschedule the pre-admit again...darn! We haven't even talked about birth plans yet, we were planning on doing that Friday since it will be 3 weeks until delivery day and we need to talk to our doctor about all our options to help us make our decision. We're also hoping to get a date for being admitted into antenatal (at the latest) Lots to talk about Friday, I imagine it will be a long appointment.
On we go.....3 1/2 more weeks (or 4 1/2 if Bee turns) It sounds like a long time but then I count that in days and that's only about 24 days which seems like nothing.....all I can do is pray, I pray that Bee stays safe, healthy and alive the next 24-32 days and maybe, just maybe, we will get our rainbow.