I belong to a few rainbow pregnancy groups, mostly for support as these women are also pregnant with their rainbows and we all get these wacky, strange, crazy thoughts and feelings we have. I woke up today to find out that one of them (she was 29 weeks along) lost her little girl last night. I don't know the full extent but I know her pain. The unimaginable has happened again. It's like when people say lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place.....it does and sadly, so does perinatal and infant loss. Just because we have had a previous loss does not keep us immune from further losses in future pregnancies, in fact our risk of a second loss sometimes increases (as in our case). It makes me realize and actually quite fearful for Bee's life, as if I wasn't anxious enough as is. I know we have great medical care, I know we are being monitored but that doesn't guarantee Bee making it here alive. Our doctors aren't God, only God is God but even he/she can only do so much.
I'm trying to have faith, hope and just trust that Bee will be our Keepers but most days I have doubt. I doubt myself a lot because of what happened to Ty. I doubt the fairness of the world. I am just so thankful Bee is good at kicking, even when I freak out that I haven't felt a kick in awhile, usually after I realize that Bee starts to kick. Today I noticed activity around 12, 3, 5 and 8 and usually when I go to bed Bee is moving around. But I doubt my ability to distinguish between hiccups and kicks, I have to learn to decipher them. I have a lot of doubts and fear and I'm not naive. I know Bee is not guaranteed but I do know we have a wonderful doctor who is going to do everything he possibly can to make sure Bee does make it here safely and Stephen and I are sure doing everything possible (even if it means me leaving work early and getting tight financially) If it means Bee has a better chance to get here because I can be at home really paying attention to all the movements and tracking like crazy with upteenth doctors appointments a financial blow will be worth it! It's all worth it, every fear, every pain, every panic attack is worth it. Even if Bee does not make it home, it is worth it to know what we did have for such a short time and we know the possibility of Bee actually making it home is worth it too or else this blog would not exist (well Bee's wouldn't, just the boys would)
It's just scary to hear of mamas losing their rainbow babies and ones that are farther along then I am. I know it happens, it happens all the time but it is scary to realize that may be me in a few weeks. We can only do so much, the rest is in God's hands. It always has been but this time I truly feel it. When I get down I just try to remember the dream where he came to me and promised me this baby....I cling to that dream. I cling to that hope and faith even in my darkest moments of doubt, I still cling because it's all I can do. I can't give up, I won't give up and there isn't much I can do but cling and take it week by week.
Yesterday just really did me in. Here we are being forced to talk about birth plans when ours is planned c-section or anywhere they have to get Bee out safely. We re being forced to make these decisions when we really are not ready too face them at all. We know they are coming but given our circumstances we wanted to wait. I can see the appointment won't go very well as I don't know if there is much they can do for a planned section. We're not 100% sure that's the way we are going but we're 99% sure. But then again, we have not had many discussions about it, we still need to consult with our doctor but we all agreed not until between 28-30 weeks and if Bee happened to come before then, well it wouldn't matter what we had in our birth plan, it'd be thrown out the window and I know ours will be anyways.
I feel so much for this lady, at a time when so many in the group are over joyed with their rainbows her heart is broken, her world has fallen apart again. We join another group that is even more rare....second time baby loss mamas who have carried past 20 weeks and I only say that because after 20 weeks we are responsible for planning our babies funeral. We are responsible for picking out a plot, for holding our babies if we choose to do so. I know a lot of women who have losses before 20 weeks still choose to do those and bless their hearts but when you are forced to do it because according to medical standards your baby was a baby, yet they don't recognize it as a human which is a whole other issue...when they tell you that you cannot leave the hospital (I mean they literally will not let you leave until you make your own arrangements when all you want to do is get the hell out of there) until you pick out a funeral home and make arrangements yourself, that's just harsh. I don't even want to think about that with Bee. I have yet to think about losing Bee but I have yet to think abut bringing Bee home. My mind does not connect being pregnant with having a baby because I have been here twice, I carried two children in my womb and gave birth to them and yet have not brought one home so for my mind to connect with me being pregnant and bringing home a baby...it hasn't happened and I don't think it will until (praying it does) it actually does.
I'll admit, hearing about her loss does scare me to the core, the bottom of the pit where all my darkness and fear lay. I feel for her but at the same time I feel for myself and get so scared about losing Bee. It sets me into a tail spin of anxiety I can never seem to fully get out of. I am so thankful that tomorrow I am hanging out with two wonderful women who mean so much to me now and we are going to eat our weight in chocolate and buy some purses. Not only that but to be surrounded by the fellow bereaved is always a nice night out (as odd as that may sound it is actually very healing) It is a MUCH needed night out, work has been crazy, we're moving and thats going to get crazy (already have boxes, let the packing begin and our landlord said if we get out soon in December he'll give us part of our rent back which would help tremendously) but we did book the whole month to move for very valid reasons (pregnant lady, unsafe stairs in the winter, many doctors appointments, packing/unpacking...it all leads to some crazy times ahead to prepare for whatever outcome we get). I hope it's good but I'm not stupid, I know in an instance it could all go down hill again. At least we can go downhill in a new, larger, much safer and cleaner house though!