Stephen, Bee and I are embarking on a new journey tomorrow. For the first time in 2 1/2 years, Stephen and I are leaving London. We are leaving our home, we are leaving the boys and we are leaving the country. To say I am anxious does not even begin to describe how I am feeling. My anxiety is consuming me, it is seeping into every pore of my body. I feel it in my bones, they ache. I feel it in my stomach, it is upset. I feel it in my head, it is lightheaded. Every inch of me feels the anxiety. I try to breathe but it is hard, it is a struggle. To leave is incredibly fearful to me. Yes I know we will return, yes I know things will most likely go okay, but it's the unknown, it's new uncharted territory. Not only is it our first time away, but it's our first time traveling with a little.
Perhaps you are wondering what I am so anxious about. Well, just about everything you can possibly think of. I'm worried about leaving our home, though our neighbour will watch it for us and we are taking the boys (the fur boys). I am worried about leaving the boys here, yes I know they aren't technically here but everything we have that is them is here and I worry something may happen to it. I don't care about anything in this house but the boys things, those are irreplaceable. I'm worried about driving on the highway, I've been in one too many accidents to ever feel safe on the road. I worry that we are taking a Ford. The last time we took a Ford we nearly died. I worry about them pulling us over at the border and having a screaming baby plus two terrified cats to deal with. I'm worried about Bee in her car seat for 4 hours, girl hates it for 20 minutes! I'm worried she will get bored and scream. I'm worried we won't make it. I'm worried we'll have to turn around. I'm worried things won't go right. I'm worried we'll get there and I'll be incredibly anxious and not enjoy myself. I'm worried I'll see people I know that don't know about the boys. I'm worried I'll see people I know that do know about the boys. I'm worried that I forgot a vital item to pack that we cant run out and buy. I'm worried I'll leave a vital item there that we can't replace here. I'm worried about crossing at the border and how long it will take. I can't really pull over an breastfeed while we're waiting in line at the border (but I am packing bottles to hopefully avoid that issue) I'm worried we'll have car problems. I'm worried one of the cats will get sick (though I know a good vet clinic there) I'm worried about how Bee will sleep in her pack and play since she never has. I'm worried her routine will be so out of whack it will be a disaster. I'm just worried and anxious about every aspect of the trip. It is our first time away and I feel horrible for leaving the boys.
I know it has to be done sooner or later because we want to travel a lot with Bee so eventually I'll have to take the step to leave and even leave the fur babies one day. I have to do it. We have to do it. We can't stay in London forever and never travel or enjoy the things life has to offer. I know it's a huge step and I know it's hard but I remember the first time after Ty died (the last time we went away 2 1/2 years ago) that it was okay once we got there, though all I wanted to do was come home. I know it has to be done and I want it to be done. I know the first time is so hard and it will eventually get easier. It will eventually become a part of life that we are use to. But, it's the what if's, the should have's that are killing me. The worry is consuming me as is the anxiety. I have no way to escape other then not to go but that is not an option. I know we can pack up and come home at anytime but I don't want to. I need to force myself to do this, to take this huge step. It has to be done, it simply has to be done. I may be vomiting the whole ride there with fear, but it has to be done. I may not sleep tonight due to worry, but it has to be done.
I went to visit the boys tonight and prayed to them to protect us, to protect everything surrounding us, our house, our car, the roads, us, everything. So here is to taking a HUGE BIG terrifying step. Hold on this is going to be a bumpy ride.