After Ty died we sought out help in the form of a counselor. We actually were seeing a social worker and a counselor. When we found out about Jacob's diagnosis, we went back to the counselor and started seeing a new social worker. After Jacob died we continued seeing our social worker and I started seeing another new counselor. When we found out we were pregnant with Bee we continued seeing our social worker, whom we absolutely love. Every time I go see her and get to talk I feel better. She has been a God send to us to help us through Jacob's journey and now this journey with Bee. As much as we are thankful for her, the best therapy we have had is Bereaved Families. I strongly urge anyone who is going through a tough situation, whether it be the loss of a spouse or a parent, reach out to those in your situation. I cannot express how much being around families who have had stillbirths and infant loss has helped us through. In fact I will say that if it were not for them we would be a lot worse off. These are people that have come into our life at such a tragic time but in the midst of that darkness love has grown. We have all become family. I really truly feel these people are part of our family. It's a family you never want to be a part of, but once you belong, you are so thankful.
I bring this up now because I went out to lunch with one of our friends (whom we met through Bereaved Families) Sweet Penelope's mom. Someone who has been such a tremendous help for us, someone we cannot imagine our lives without. I’m going to get teary eyed because I love this person so damn much, just like all of our infant loss family. As most know, I have been having a lot of anxiety lately, I mean A LOT and I know it won’t get much better but after lunch today, I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s not like I’m clueless, I know we have great support, but to just talk to someone and realize I am not alone, we are not alone on this journey, so many people are a part of it, it makes the burden of all this anxiety lessen a little. Just to sit and talk with someone who has walked our path, to hear my fears come from them, to let me know I am not alone. To talk about my fears and have reassurance that they are completely normal and that so many others have taken this path and felt the same things. I think the thing today that really helped was hearing about the afterwards, the possibility of bringing a baby home. It’s not something I talk about a lot but I am terrified about Post Partum, it scares me to the core. How do I handle such grief and sorrow with such joy and happiness? What will I feel, how will I react? Will I have bad thoughts and feel guilt? I don’t know because I have not been there, but I cherish so those that have and talk to me about it. To know what to expect (even just an insight as I know everyone is different) and to know what I think I may feel does happen but that it’s okay. To have the guidance of people before me is going to be just as tremendously helpful as having the guidance of those before me who had babies die.
There’s so much more to bringing Bee home then being a first time parent. We have all of that, if we are so blessed to bring Bee home, but to parent a child after a loss is quite a different journey. I know it will not be easy, I know there will be challenges and it’s because we have people in our life who we cherish so much who have been there. They tell it how it is and don’t sugar coat things. That is what I need to hear, I need to hear about the fears and thoughts and how when a baby passes each milestone how that will affect my grief. How do I learn to cope with the sorrow and joy if we get there? I am scared, I don’t know how to handle any of this but what I do know is I am not alone and I have some amazingly strong women in my life to look up to and learn from, not only as a first time mom and being a mom in general but being a mom to rainbow children. I don’t know what that journey will hold and as scared as I am, today I realized I will not be walking this journey alone. The boys have put some amazing people in our life to help us through. People I cannot imagine our lives without. Regardless if Bee makes it or not, knowing these people will not let me destroy myself and will be there to help us through whatever the outcome may be, it’s indescribable.
So thank you V for lunch today, it may just seem like it was lunch and a good chat but you really made me feel, I can’t even describe it. I just feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders and to realize I have some amazing women in my life who will be there for me either way to help me through, I don’t feel as crazy, I don’t feel as alone. I’m still a blubbering mess of tears and fear and will be, but it really helped to have that reassurance today.
The best therapy has been with those who have walked in our shoes. I encourage anyone having a hard time to seek out those in similar situations, though no one is alike, it has helped us tremendously. I just can’t ever thank these people enough for all they have done for us and all they continue to do for us and I can’t imagine my life without them. They are one of the boys greatest blessings. And I’ve known that all along but to sit and hear how things really are today, it helped more than any counselor could ever help. I just feel so indescribable at the moment but in a good way.