One clear indication that I need to get into a counseling program soon, the flashbacks are happening more often. They have been everywhere lately. the other day I was standing in line at Old Navy waiting to return a dress for Bee. The lady infront of me was clearly pregnant and if that wasn't a clue, she was buying maternity clothes. She looked so happy and innocent. She looked so excited to be buying clothes to cover her ever growing baby bump and it brought me back to when I was buying maternity clothes while pregnant with Ty.
I was once a happy, innocent, excited pregnant lady too. I once loved having to buy maternity clothes for my growing baby bump. I once giddily took clothes off the maternity rack and gave them a thorough look over, wondering how they would show my baby bump off to the world. But as I stood there in line, remembering the innocence, the tears began to sting my eyes. I was no longer that lady. I was far from that lady. I was jealous and enraged that my innocence had been ripped from my heart. I started to get teary eyed as I stood in line. I had to stop thinking about it, I just had to.
My mind would not let me. It took me to buying maternity clothes while pregnant with Jacob. I remember how I had to put on the most fake smile and act I could because to tell the cashier, or have the pregnant woman behind you hear that the baby you are carrying will die, it's not something I felt comfortable doing. I wanted those other pregnant women to hold onto their innocence. I remember buying maternity clothes to try and hide my belly so no one would ask. I looked at clothes wondering how horrible they would make me look. I had lost all self confidence and still struggle with that to this day. Buying clothes only to hide the inevitable.
Then, I thought about maternity clothes while pregnant with Bee. Having gone through two full term pregnancies, I popped and showed quite early with Bee. Again, I wanted to hide my belly for as long as possible but I got fat. I got large all over. I could not bring myself to buy more maternity clothes though. I couldn't venture back into one of those stores. Thankfully, I was able to borrow and that solved that problem.
There was also the other night. Stephen let Milo come sleep with us, which we have stopped doing because he keeps us up a lot and I'm already up a lot with Bee. But, for that night we let Milo in and Milo assumed his old position, right in between us. As he lay there between us it brought me back to being pregnant with Ty. Milo use to sleep between us all the time and when I was pregnant with Ty, he would snuggle up next to my belly.
And the Olympics, oh the Olympics. Last time the winter Olympics were on, we found out we were pregnant with Ty. It's hard to watch them, remembering how last time we were so innocent. It stings.
While taking Bee to the doctors today, I walked past a place I had gotten an ultrasound done while pregnant with Jacob. It had only been a few weeks since we had learned about Jacobs diagnosis and I was in to get my kidneys scanned. The tech decided to scan the baby and proceeded to ask me if I had been in for my 18 week ultrasound yet and I said yes. She then proceeded to ask of they said anything and I broke down in tears telling her what we knew. Walking by that office today brought back the tears.
The reminders are just EVERYWHERE right now. I know it doesn't help I haven't bee to counseling or acupuncture, but we cant afford it right now. I know it doesn't help that the weather has been horrible and I have a severe case of cabin fever. I know it doesn't help that Bee has been out of sorts and there have been some long days and nights. It just all adds up. I am thankful I realized I have a gluten intolerance because since cutting gluten out of my diet, I have felt a ton better! Not only emotionally but physically. I'm not as foggy brained or tired. Its a start....