11weeks 3days: There are many things I looked forward to while I was pregnant with Jacob, one of them being early morning fall walks. Well at least for Jacob, Ty's due date was November 3rd so we may have been pushing it into winter weather, but with Jacob, I dreamed about going out on crisp autumn mornings for walks, just me and him, the quietness of the morning the beauty of this world. I was thinking about it with Bee, she'll be here in the middle of winter so no early morning walks for us but then I was thinking, once she's a few months old it'll be spring time and we can get out for early morning walks then! And then I get nervous and say to myself, don't even start to have dreams and hopes of a future with Bee because I've been ripped away of those twice now. It is so hard to balance my thoughts and feelings. In one sense I want to have those hopes, dreams and things to look forward too so I can hold onto those if we lose her. But in another, the painful memories of hopes and dreams is too much to handle sometimes. It's like when I was pregnant with Ty and I went through all of his clothes imagining what he would look like in them and now, I still only to get to imagine. I don't have the real knowledge of what he would look like.
We have two days until we see Bee again and I can only pray things are still going well. I have no idea, I still have some pregnancy symptoms (it was gag fest this morning) but I really do not know. I can't trust my heart because it let me down twice. I can only have faith and hope that the dreams I had from God saying she was ours are his promises and he keeps them. I know I keep saying her and she but I really do feel that Bee is a girl (again, one of my dreams from God he told me) Right now gender is the last thing on our mind and if we are blessed enough to make it that far and she is okay we will find out but right now I am so focused on Wednesday. Stephen being gone today and tomorrow couldn't some at a worse time. I am filled with anxiety and trying to find things to keep my distracted but it's not really working. All I keep thinking about is the two or three ways Wednesday can go down. Good, Not Sure and Bad. I know there will be tears and I can only hope I get one of the really nice techs who can reassure me that Bee does have a heartbeat before she does all her tests so I don't have to sit anxiously awaiting. I now know if they go to look at their pictures and don't ask to bring my husband in, something is wrong. I have so much fear and anxiety, I really do not know what to do and Stephen (my level headed man) is not here to reassure me. I feel like I am losing it. It's so hard to hold on some days and I'm trying to focus on getting ready for work but I don't think I can until I know what's going on Wednesday.
I've been trying to take some creative pregnancy pictures lately but with my crappy camera, they haven't turned out as nice as I was hoping. I am going to take some more today too, but here are some I took yesterday, the official announcement pictures.
Ty and Jacob with their shirts that say "I'm Going to Bee A Big Brother" with a bee on it (I found these very fitting for little Bee) and the official due date, though we know she'll be here much earlier then that.
Mommy, Ty, Jacob and Baby to Bee, I wish I had better photo skills or even a better camera so these pics could be half decent. Oh well, at least we know if we make it very far we have an amazing photographer who can do some very meaningful maternity pictures for us (thinking the bereaved families garden) I can't wait to e-mail her and tell her we're so happy that we can officially be paying customers!!! (But then that's getting a head of myself)
I just need a moment to have a little rant, a rant only baby loss mamas will understand. I have seen so many of these "delivery gowns" for women lately because you know the hospital ones just won't cut it, Lord help you if you wouldn't be caught dead in one of those hospital gowns. I could give 10 shits about caring for these designer gowns. I mean really? You must be so naive and innocent to worry about what you will be wearing when your baby is born, let alone, getting your hair and makeup done so you can look good for pictures. REALLY? REALLY people? Who friggin cares!!!!!! Your giving birth to a miracle, a blessing that so many women never have the chance to experience and yet your so conceded with yourself that all you care about is...well yourself and how you look for pictures. Stop focusing on how you look and rather enjoy the blessing miracle of life that you are about to give birth to because so many women don't get that and for us, we could care less about how we look, we only care about our baby's healthy and safety. Plus, its a huge waste of money. Who wants to pay $100 for a gown that will get blood and other bodily fluids all over it and inevitably you'll end up throwing it out. Instead how about you put that $100 towards something useful, oh I don't know....say a donation to the NICU unit at your hospital. I can tell you, looking good is the last thing on the mind of NICU parents!
Okay rant is done. Sorry but it really bothers me how stupid some people seem to be about looking SO good when they give birth....they obviously do not have their priorities straight. And if I've offended anyone, oh well, these are my thoughts and be thankful you only care about yourself and not your baby because that means you haven't had a loss and you should be thankful for that.