As I was writing thank you cards this morning (finally getting around to them) so many thoughts and emotions came pouring out. I don't know what made me think of certain things but grief is funny like that. It can be the smallest of things to bring you right back. I don't remember exactly what made me think of it, but I was thinking of Bee's delivery. Early in the morning (I'm talking like 4am) when we had settled down into the delivery room and were trying to get some sleep, both Stephen and I took notice to the sounds around us. We could hear women screaming and then a few seconds later a little baby cry. It was such a bittersweet moment, I mean the whole experience with Bee has been and will always be bittersweet but that moment brought us both back to the first time we had gone through a delivery and we both had tears in our eyes. See, I don't know if I ever mentioned this before but when we were in labour with Ty we had rooms on both sides of us and being so, we could hear women constantly screaming followed by the cries of a newborn and as we sat there while I was in labour, we knew we would not get that. The only crying we heard was me. It was so deadly silent in the room with the exception of my sobs. We didn't get to cry with happy tears when Ty was born, only sorrow. It was similar with Jacob because we knew he probably wouldn't make much noise, we were told he would not cry however, when they pulled him out he was making some squeaks and for a brief second before they intubated him, I heard his cry. But we didn't have the chance to be that family until Bee. As I laboured with her, still unsure if she would make it out alive and healthy, I wondered if I would get the chance to be that woman who was screaming and stopped the minute my baby was born and thankfully I was. I can only pray that there was not a woman in the room beside me who would not hear her infant cry.
I never get tired of Bee crying, she doesn't do it as much anymore but it has never bothered me because I know I missed out on so much with not hearing Ty or Jacob cry that I love hearing her little sounds. Of course I don't let her sit there and cry but for the few moments she cries when she's trying to fall asleep or is about to eat, I enjoy those times and even at 5pm when she becomes something other than herself (fussy time of night) I just sit and lovingly hold her while she cries because that's what she needs me to do and that's what I need to do.
And as I sat there thinking about that time in our life I couldn't help but stare at all the baby things we have. I've stared at them for 3 years wondering if there would ever come a time where instead of dust collecting they would hold a happy giggly baby. So many days I sat and stared and felt so empty. I felt such sadness looking at all we had that was just collecting dust. Our hopes and dreams would never fill them, I was very doubtful of it ever happening. But as I sat there staring at them today I had a sense of peace and felt very overwhelmed because they had infact been used and are being used and words cannot describe how that feels.
I'll admit, I've been having a very hard time lately, emotionally that is. I just feel such a sense of sadness over missing Ty and Jacob more than I ever have and perhaps it's because now I get it. I know exactly what I missed with them now that we have Bee in our life.
I just look at her and my heart overflows with love and the tears fall because I am so in love, I never knew a kind of love like this was possible. She is my everything, my life, my light, my love, my world.