I seem to have a case of writers block. I don't know what is causing it but it is most cettainly there. It' not that I don't have things to write about, it's just when I start writing about something, things change. For example, this is the last blog post I was writing:
Things have been happening around here lately. I don't know what or why or how but they are a changing!
I have been busy working away on Baby's Nest. It's my other blog which offers reviews and giveaways (free products) and has a list of resources for Eco-friendly products for babies, toddlers and children. Check it out and like us on Facebook! http://www.babysnest.ca/
For those who don't know I live in the artic tundra. Well, it sure feels like the artic tundra with this "polar vortex" we've had for the last three months straight. The cold has been more bitter than ever before. The amount of snow has exceeded records (aka there's been a shit ton of snow). The wind has been howling more than a wolf at a full moon and the ice, oh the ice that has made me slip numerous times. It's been BRUTAL this winter! Yes I live in Canada where it snows and is cold, but this winter has been something else. Due to the polar vortex that will not leave, Bee and I have been pretty cabin bound. Also, the flu is running rampant so we are trying to cut down our exposure and only go out for necessities. I have been unable to go for walks. I have been unable to continues to lose weight. I was doing so well last year. I had lost all Bee and Jacobs pregnancy weight and was about to work on Ty's when BAM, mother nature let loose and hasn't stopped since. I was stuck with no where to go. My husband
I also feel I am starting to realize I am capable of doing more than I thought I could. I'm beginning to push myself, albeit very slowly, but I am working on things. My ultimate goal is to be able to leave Bee with someone I trust other than my mom or Stephen. It may take a year of two but I will get there through all my hard work and efforts. One big step I am taking is singing us up for a mom and child program. It may not sound like a big step, but it is. I have avoided being around other non bereaved mothers as of yet. But, I know for Bee's sake, she needs to be around other kids and in different settings. It broke my heart when we were out the other day at a store and she was playing with another little girl. I know she needs it so I will push myself to do my best.
But in a matter of days, I was knocked back down. It always seems when I start to get somewhere in life, bam, I'm knocked back down. Time and time again, Things were going well but got hard very quickly. It was one thing after another and has been ever since. There has been some personal family issues that have been tough to deal with. Then I found out the place I go for acupuncture, the only place I afford and acupuncture really helps my PTSD, it's closing. So now I will be left without the treatment I need.
Then there is my 30th birthday, which will get a post all of it's own. We are also still waiting to hear about my LTD decision, a decision I was told I would know by December 1st but now it could take a few more months, which financially has taken a toll on us. In the meantime, I am looking for things I can do from home and working on the book.
Then there are the "moments" that have been catching me off guard. For example, the other night at dinner I was cleaning up Bee's mess. It was all over the floor, which I don't mind, she is learning to self feed so I know it'll be messy. But we were having a conversation and I was asking her who made such a mess and she was blaming the cat and BAM, just like that, it hit me. She shouldbe be balmimg the cat, she should be blaming one of her older brothers.
Or, I was taking a bubble bath and as I looked down at my stomach, I closed my eyes. In that moment I was taken back to right after Ty died. I remember taking a bath after Ty died. My womb was empty, it's hard to describe how empty a womb can feel but it was such a painful feeling. I started to cry. I will never forget how empty, not only physically but emotionally, I felt after Ty died. Being in the bath and seeing my stomach reminded me of that.
I also came across the journal I started writing after Ty died. Now, it does have some gold in it to add to the book but reading what I wrote is tearing me up inside. I can pinpoint those feelings, I remember exactly how I felt and it's bringing up so much for me. It may be good to bring it all up and deal with it but it's a lot. It's tough to read some of my words, in a sense I still feel the same way that I did back then.
Add on the not feeling well. A few weeks back I did a carb cleanse. I was doubtful but it went amazing. I lost a bit of weight but the energy I had, oh the energy! I imagine its the kind 5 year olds are filled with. I stopped after a week and went back to eating carbs. I got sick and have not been feeling well ever since. I have been increasingly dizzy, lethargic, nauseous etc, almost like I have the fly but I don't. I decided to go back on the carb cleanse a few days ago and lasted two days but this time, I have not introduced any gluten back into my diet. I have also started taking iron (I am known to be anemic and I haven't taken my iron supplements lately, high dizziness!) but I'm also wondering if my lovely thyroid is out of whack again. Whatever it is, no gluten, more iron etc seem to be helping me feel a bit better. I have been able to get a lot done around the house.
I started a few DIY projects, finished a few and others are just waiting to be finished. It's very hard to find organic materials, especially pillow stuffing! But, I also decided that since we will be where we are a few more years (unless we win the lottery which requires buying tickets which we don't so a few more years it is) we have to make this house work for us. I am purging a lot of what we have that we really don't need. It's not a lot but it gives us the space we need. We will need to invest in a good set of dresser drawers or another wardrobe and a few other things (BBQ, outdoor furniture set, glider w/ottoman ((you all remember my love for the one we have, well it's falling apart anyways)) nightstands so I can make Bee a mini kitchen and tool bench ((I don't gender stereotype, my girl gets a kitchen and a tool bench)) and so many other things. I hope with the change in diet, prayers that the weather stops being so shitty, supplements and everything else I can find the energy to tackle this year. I need to get organized, I NEED to find work from home ((still looking for suggestions if you have any, may start selling a few sewing things on here perhaps??)) get myself in healthy condition, get this house in tip top shape and live. So many trips coming up this summer to look forward to and I need to stop letting the fear ruin my excitement. I don't want to like in anxiety anymore. I don't want to cry and get sick to my stomach when I think about things others enjoy. I don't want to burden my family anymore with not doing things because I am scared. I want to live, I need to live and it starts by finding work I can do from home! I mean, after all, can't live if we can't pay the bills.
Bet you all know how excited I am about looking for work I can do from home right now, you all remember how much I enjoyed looking for a new job last time?