Today was a day I never thought would be possible. Today was a day I longed to have. Today was a day I dreamed of. Today was a day I opened my eyes. Today was a day I felt things I haven't felt before.
Today was a good day. Today was a day that was a long time coming, almost 3 years. Today I laughed, I loved, I enjoyed, I cherished, I smiled, I cried (when don't I cry? But they were happy tears) I lived. I lived for the first time in almost 3 years. Today I made a huge step in my grief process. Today the boys were not the first thing on my mind, my sadness and sorrow did not run my day like it usually does. It was replaced with laughter, love, warmth and enjoyment. Today was a day in which I felt content and I mean truly content. I have not felt content in a very long time. My sorrow and sadness always take over, my post partum depression usually follows the sadness but today, I had a break. I did not feel sadness, I did not feel sorrow, I did not feel lonely, I did not feel isolated, I did not feel anything but pure absolute contentment. I never thought this was possible. I dreamed of a day when these feelings would rise again. I dreamed of a day in which I could live, live for the moment and enjoy what I had.
My laughter today was real, it felt so good to really laugh. My smiles today were real, I did not have to put on a fake smile and pretend like I was okay because today I was okay. Today for the first time I felt NO guilt! Even with the boys not being on my mind, despite being surrounded by our bereaved family, I felt no guilt that I enjoyed a day. A beautiful day filled with many lovely people, many fun adventures, great food and lots of love.
For the first time in a long time, today I lived! Ty and Jacob will always be in my heart but for today, life was in front of death.