15 weeks 4 days I sit here two hours before our appointment and surprisingly the tears have not started yet. Do I feel anxious? Of course but not as bad as I have been the last few days. Perhaps Bee's sweet kicks yesterday really did calm me down more than I thought. I will say I am damn proud of myself for making it the full 4 weeks in between appointments, something that never happened with Jacob and something I didn't think could happen this time. I did wait 8 weeks to go to my first appointment which was pretty big too and I made it another 4! I think part of me was too scared to go in and hear bad news and I wanted to delay the possibility but the time has come. It is the day.
We will walk into the hospital not knowing what the outcome will be. That's the part that scares me the most, being unprepared. I was able to sleep last night and actually had a decent night's sleep. It seems no matter the amount of stress I am under (and a huge issues was added yesterday which I was more nervous about then the baby) I always seem to sleep well. My body just gets so tired that come bed time it knows to sleep. I never really had sleep issues with either of the boys,perhaps a few times after they both passed away but for the most part sleep has always been my friend and I am glad because lord knows I needed my sleep for today.
I know the reality of the situation, I know going in we can hear bad news, something is seriously wrong with the baby. The last two nights I have had bad dreams. Both times we had a little boy and the first time he ended up dying and the second time he was kidnapped and we thought he had died and didn't find out until 3 years later that he never died he was kidnapped. Those kinds of dreams certainly do not help (especially with the gender issue, which I will post about in a few days)
I'm scared but I have no other choice then to face my fear and I have a feeling even once we find out I still won't feel more relaxed. I never will, I will never get to a point where I feel "safe" and I just pray that for today, if we hear good news for this afternoon I want to bask in the glory of a healthy baby before I start worrying about the 9 million other things that can go wrong. To start, we need to see kidneys and we will go from there, so off we go....update when we get back....
My Thought from God for the day: that your prayers are being answered. Prayers are not like shopping lists with items that can be ticked off. If you remember that a prayer is a conversation with God, you will see God respond every day.
I hope so....I hope they are being answered...
So the appointment. I'll start by saying there weren't any tears, I held strong! I'll admit I am a bit disappointed with the appointment. It did not go how I thought it would but then I really didn't know what to expect, I was just hoping more I guess. We got in right away (we actually got there early so we ate breakfast in the cafeteria) but once we registered we got in. To say I was nervous is an understatement. My resting pulse was 170.
Our social worker came by just before we got our scan so it was nice to have here there (it may have been needed) this is what the doctor said.....there is a "normal" amount of fluid right now and we most certainly saw a bladder but we did not see kidneys or a stomach (BUT that doesn't mean anything) He said it was too early to make the call plus 1. The ultrasound machine (portable one) was crap so it did not give a good picture and little miss (or mr.) was no cooperative and was curled in a tight ball facing inwards so seeing things was nearly impossible. He did not say for sure we were safe nor did he say there were problems so all in all, we know nothing more today then we have up to this point. It will all come down to the ultrasound on the 29th so YAH...I get to freak out for two more weeks...awesome! And you know I will be very anxious yet again.
I hope by that time (I'll have to talk to bee) that she has moved into a great viewing position because I fully expect to see her beautiful kidneys and get a picture to frame of them! Maybe we may even get a pick if it's a little miss or mr. I think that will be very emotional for me if we find out. Hearing that the baby is healthy and what it is I'm sure will cue the tears, though I thought there would be a lot today but I think it's because we didn't really get any news today and I'm more disappointed then anything. Sorry I don't have much to report and no pictures as the ultrasound printer was broken :0( I most certainly left today feeling unsatisfied and with a sore arm. I actually got really nervous going to get my blood done today because another rainbow pregnancy mom I know went in to get hers done a few days ago and left with a huge bruise, I mean the thing was nasty and she said it was an older women who did it. So I walk in today and guess who is at the counter, the older woman, I was like CRAP this is going to hurt and though I don't have a glorious bruise my arm is in a lot of pain.
I went to work afterwords and today seemed to take forever to pass by even though it was a half day for me. I guess it is Tuesday afterall.
So yeah, I'm feeling pretty bummed about the lack of information we got today and anxious about the next two weeks. We will surely know by then (if Bee cooperates which she better) there's nothing I can do but keep praying and my message from God today was that my prayers are being answered so I hope that message is true! I'm going to go sulk in the corner now. Please August 29th, get here soon! My heart cannot take much more of this, I need some reassurance.