We've caught the dreaded cold over here. In fact, it's round number 2 in the last 1 1/2 weeks! The first one lasted two days, this one is not going away. Thankfully, Bee seems to have passed over the brunt of this one, it's just me. I survived my first sickness with her, it was easier than I thought it would be. I felt bad and did everything I could to make her comfortable. I have to admit though, the one day of snuggles from her was nice! Glad she's back to herself now.
Other than that, we are just trudging on through the brutal hustle and bustle of Christmas. We got the Christmas tree down today. This afternoon as the snow was falling softly outside, I cranked the Christmas music and started decorating the tree, letting the tears fall with each ornament I put on the tree. Every time I look at our mantle, my heart hurts. 5 stockings hung, only 3 will be filled. I then glance over at my smiley, cheerful daughter and my heart melts. No one said this would be easy and they were right.
I thought this year it would be different. I thought the pain would lessen with Bee here but I was wrong. It will never be the same. I will never be thrilled or excited about Christmas, sure I may look forward to it for Bee's sake but it will never be right. I know this isn't what you want to read, about how hard it still is even with my rainbow but it's the truth.
Let's face it, the truth sucks sometimes. When I started this blog (mainly as a way to keep everyone up to date on Jacob) I promised myself I would tell it how it is. I would not sugar coat anything. I put on my fake smile every day, I say I'm fine but I'm not always fine. This is my out, this is where I tell it how it is. I do it so others out there know they aren't alone in their feelings and thoughts. So many of us hide behind our fake smiles and don't talk about how we truly feel. This is why I write the truth. This is why my blogs are a tough read. I don't know what brought you to read my blog, I don't even know who reads this but I'm not going to sugar coat something to pretend all is well when it isn't because for the other women suffering out there, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know I share your pain.
So yes, Christmas still sucks. Even though Bee is here, no I'm not excited or thrilled. It just plain sucks and it always will. I am happy for her, I know I am blessed to have her and she makes my heart melt everyday with her cheeky smile and her wild shenanigans. I do look forward to starting Christmas traditions with her and all the fun to come from it but there will always be an empty hole in my heart.
On we trudge through the life of being a bereaved parent. I do suspect this Christmas is so hard because it's the first we celebrated in 3 years and because it's a first for us celebrating with a living child. But I won't know until next year.
It also is not an easy time because I am not able to return to work at the moment due to my PTSD and that has caused a large amount of stress to know come the new year we only have one income. Not only that, but getting in to a specialized program for trauma care is taking forever. I just want to find ways to help me cope. We cant afford to keep up with the treatment that works so back to free menial help I go. I can only pray that I find something that works as well as what I was doing.
On a happy note, the last of the rainbow babies from our infant loss group arrived safely today. So many wonderful miracles born in the last 1 1/2 years. So thankful for that!