I know my blog posts have started to become sparse. We've been really busy around here. Things are not going well and we are scrambling to try and find answers. We are searching high and low for solutions. Add on top that it's Christmas and that has been a nightmare for me emotionally.
You see, for the first time in my life I am legitimately scared about the future. I've faced death twice and have not been as scared as I am now. I don't do well when I don't have control over the future. I don't do well when I don't have control in general, but with everything we have been through I have learned to live with it and control what I can. But, when our fate, when our ability to survive is in the hands of others, it scares me to the core. Especially when it seems we won't be able to survive come January.
It all started back in August when my psychiatrist and I determined I would not be able to return to work, even though I had until November to decide. We knew at that point there was no way I would be able to do it. We agreed that I need some serious mental help before I can cross that barrier. The issue being, getting the help I need is proving to be, well pretty much impossible. We can't afford to go the route we need so back to inconsistent free health care I go. I know it is needed and I will do it for the sake of my family and for me. But it's going to take time. Getting everything together for a referral, talking back and forth about what my best option is, setting me up with the best person possible and then just having to wait. It takes time. Once I get in, it'll take even more time. But I will do it. I will get better for my family and me. I have to. It's not the route I wanted to go but it's my only option at this point.
Having made this decision in August, I called my insurance company. Knowing that I had LTD benefits, it was the way to go. I will admit, I did not want to go this route. I have dealt with insurance companies before and it's almost not worth it to deal with them and the amount of stress they cause. It was our only option though. I could not force myself to go back to work before I was ready. It would be a disaster, I know from previous experiences. They advised me to apply in mid October telling me I'd know by the end of November. Perfect, that would leave a bit of time to sort things out and make a plan before we were sol.
Without going into all the gory details, I called the insurance company on Wednesday and was informed that it will at least take another 6 weeks but that it could take up to a year to decide. SHIT, seriously swear words are the only valid words right now. This is not what I was told and this royal effs things up. Come January I lose my income, and Stephen was recently switched from hourly to salary and it's actually a huge decrease in his pay. So while my insurance company sits around on their asses twiddling their thumbs, we may for the first time in our life not be okay. We may not be able to make ends meet and there is not much I can do about it. I call insurance almost every other day. I can't call OHIP to release my records until my insurance company sends in my form and of course this has to happen right around Christmas when most government offices are closed or short staffed so I know we won't hear back until mid-January putting us in a very tight spot.
I hate this, I hate all of this. I have lost all faith. All I asked for was a break, to be able to be okay and survive, but it seems in one month we will be sol. We've been stressing, going through our finances and making cuts where we can. It's difficult and we know we have to make sacrifices, we've had to for the last 3 years but now we have Bee and now some of the sacrifices are pretty big. We don't have many options while we wait. I can't go back to work, I am not mentally ready, or physically/emotionally for that matter. I am fully capable of working from home and that is the route I want to go but do you know how hard it is to find legit work to do from home? It's almost impossible, but I won't give up, I can't give up.
So while we are grieving and celebrating our first Christmas and all the emotion that comes with that, we are scrambling to find a way to make ends meet because in less than a month from now, things are going to be tougher. I just haven't felt like writing much because it would just be about the same thing. Christmas sucks and we're about to lose our ability to make ends meet. End of story. Oh and we took Bee to see Santa, which was a disaster as predicted and now we have his lovely cold. We keep getting sick and can't do anything about it.
The funny thing is, we prayed about it. We prayed for an answer and we got the answer we prayed for but then it was taken away. I don't understand.
If any of you have any creative ideas on how to make things work, things I could possibly do from home, leave me message! Also, don't forget the previous post, I really want my readers to have a say. I feel like I don't have much to talk about right now so I'd love to address some things you may want to know or have questions about.
In the meantime we will be embarking on a new journey and for the first time, I am truly scared.
Someone was NOT happy to see Santa! She started to cry even before she left my arms.