13 weeks 6 days (or 14 according to the Dr): Today I stepped on the scale and was elated to see I had gained some weight.....can you all guess how much I have gained? The pictures from yesterday do not match up with the weight gain....a total whopping 2lbs!!!! WHOOOOOO. I know by looking at the pictures it looks like I have gained a bit more weight but alas, I have not. I hope it steadily goes up from here on out. The good thing is that means I am only gaining baby weight and not extra fat like I did with Jacob. With Ty I was all baby and it started off losing weight first because I was so sick then gaining slowly but he was complete baby fat. With Jacob I started to gain quickly and throughout the entire pregnancy but his weight gain was a lot more fat then it was baby. I do find it weird though that I gained 30lbs exactly with each boy so that's what I am expecting this time around. But, I hope to keep it like Ty and make sure it is all baby weight and no fat. It makes it that much easier to lose and then I won't get quadruple chins.
Now onto the anxiety. I don't know what made me think of this but this morning i had a mini panic attack. For some reason I just realized that in less then two weeks we will be at our next appointment. The fear is now starting to set in. My high risk OB was pretty sure we'd know about the kidneys then and I was thinking about it today so I googled it. By week 14-15 you can see kidneys, as well as a stomach and bladder (good inidications) and the fluid level should be normal. I thought it would be a bit too early but I was wrong. In less then two weeks we will know Bee's fate...at least her kidney fate and that has set a huge amount of anxiety on my heart. Why did I not take the whole day off? I'm going to be an emotional basketcase one way or another and look like a disaster by the time I show up for work. Thank GOD I scheduled a counseling session for right after so I can hopefully get all my emotions out before hand.
I don't have a lot of work to keep my mind busy today so I have been sitting here thinking about everything. Thinking about how in two weeks we may walk in and learn Bee is incompatible with life and honestly, I don't think I could go through that again (but that's what I thought with Jacob and we managed too) It scares me to the core to know this could happen again. It is something I nor any doctor have any control over and that frightens me. I'm really starting to get anxious and nervous. I'm so glad they moved it a day up. I just can't stop thinking about the impending doom that the next appointment may bring. Of course it could turn out well too but my mind barely goes there. Its so hard to face something so terrifying but knowing that you have to do it and have no other choice and you have no idea or any indication at this point as to which way it will go. I don't like the unknowns, I want to know my baby Bee is healthy and that she will live. I can't take burying a 3rd child (I know people have doen it but man....two was tough as it was)
Thankfully we still have a lot to keep us busy the next little while but still, when I get lull moments like this at work, I freak out, I sit and think about going in and not seeing the kidneys or fluid or stomach or bladder and I fear the phone call I will have to make to my office saying I won't be in that afternoon. And then theres the how do we go on to come afterwords. I wish my mind could look at the bright side, the side that Jacob was truly a complete medical mystery and showed no signs of being gentic so it shouldn't happen again, but I can't go there. My heart won't let me. Up until this point in my pregnancy with Jacob I was fine as far as I knew. I felt the same, there is no indication anything is better, just a whole lotta fear! Today the anxiety hit. It's not the anxiety of fearing this baby has died and that I need to go in, no it's the fear that when I go in in two weeks...something then will be wrong. Of course I have no idea if Bee is still alive and that does worry me as her kicks are not often and I can't have that reassurance...but its the fear of August 14th that has me by the heart now.....