So today was a bit of a disaster. Stephen left for Toronto due to work and all morning I prepared like Bee and I were going to go to the Y. Around 10 I became partially comatose in the sense that everything I was feeling stopped and I was left with just doing (if that makes any sense) I told Bee and myself over and over that we were going to do this. We were going to face our fear because it's going to have to happen sooner or later. I got her ready, I got myself ready, I threw up and we were on our way. We drive in silence, we parked in silence. I sat for a minute in the car thinking if I could take the next step and I did. I got Bee out of her seat, got all my stuff ready and we walked in the doors.
The lady running the study was there and I talked to her for a few minutes because she could tell I was having a very hard time. I proceeded to walk over to the child minding room and handed Bee over to a man (which I have strong issues with that, but I'll save that for another day) I signed her in and I left. I began to cry as I walked to the change room, she wasn't crying as I left but I could tell she had no idea what was going on. I locked my stuff in the locker, cried some more, walked up stairs and sobbed as I got my step for exercise class. Thankfully, I think most of the moms understood my anxiety.
Then class started. I swear I could hear Bee crying even though we were upstairs and she was downstairs, I just had a feeling. I exercised but kept an eye on my phone (they call you if they need you to come down) I cried and felt horrible but I was exercising. I contemplated going to check on her but decided if she needed me they would call. I exercised for 20 minutes and my phone lite up. It said YMCA, my heart sank. My poor little girl was NOT okay. I answered the phone and could hear my poor sweet little lady screaming in the background, they barely got a word in before I said, I'm on my way. Cue the incredible horrible amount of guilt. I felt like the biggest piece of ass shit ever. I knew this would happen, why did I put my little girl in this situation? I'm a horrible mother for doing this. I ran down the stairs as fast I could out the door and right to the room. A lady, of whom I did not see when I dropped Bee of, was holding my screaming little girl. I grabbed her immediately and the lady happily obliged. I sobbed to Bee that I was so sorry. I was SO sorry and I would NEVER do that again! We gathered our things and headed home.
Little miss passed out the minute we got in the car and when she woke up we had lots of extra snuggles as I felt like a piece of shit. I still feel like a piece of shit. I will never leave her again. If Stephen cannot watch her, I simply will not go. I can't do that to her again. I can't do that to myself again.
Oh and did I mention that I didn't need to show any ID or anything to pick her up? I had not seen that lady when I dropped her off, she didn't know if I was really Bee's mom or not, nothing identified me as being her mom. I could have been some random walking by, stepped in and took my little girl. I have MAJOR issues with this. There is no protection from kid napping so Bee will never go back. She will never go back for many reasons.
I know one day I will have to leave her, perhaps sooner then we planned (a blog for another day, one I am dreading) but for right now, she is my world, my everything and I am the same to her so I will never put her in a situation where she gets that upset again and I will never put myself in a situation where I get that upset again.
Some may see this as a step forward that I actually was able to go and proceed with the plan, but I see this as a step back because now I'm not willing to leave her with anyone (besides GG or Daddy) I really wish it wasn't this hard sometimes.....