So days it all seems like too much. Some days I just want to stay in bed. Some days it feels like I am slipping into a dark place and I don't want to go there. I've been in a dark place before but some days it is a constant battle.
I debated whether or not to write this blog for a few days but I need to get it out and perhaps I am publishing it so someone out there can tell me everything will be okay, that they've been through what I've been through and are now fine. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the death of Ty or Jacob. There has been something else in my life that has come about that will affect my future. The funny thing is, all these tragedies started happening when Stephen came into my life, not that I blame him, I mean I truly believe he was put in my life to help me get through because I can't imagine going through everything without him. He is so positive and has such an optimistic outlook that it really helps my mood.
I have been going to the colposcopy clinic for about 3 years. Two abnormal paps get you a ticket to the clinic. I've been having paps the last 3 years every 6 months and they had always come back abnormal but very low grade and nothing of concern. I had to miss my last one due to being pregnant with Bee so it's been about a year. I scheduled an appointment at my 6 week check up because I knew I had to get back in and be tested. I had my test completed in March. A week later they called and my heart sank because they only call if there are problems. Deep down inside I was kind of hoping they were going to tell me everything cleared up and I didn't need to come back but I knew.
Stephen was busy with work and we both were kind of hoping it wouldn't be much so I headed to my app with Bee in tow (she was great by the way) I can't remember exactly what he said because all I remember was him asking me if I had been treated before and something about HPV, cone, leep, the words just started flying. My mind went blank when he said cancer, not what I wanted to hear. I tried so hard to keep it together and did for all of 10 minutes and once we got back to the car I just let it go.
Thankfully he gave me some pamphlets so when I got home I could try to find out what was going on. My pap smear came back abnormal again but this time I had pre-cancerous cells that were a high grade and needed be treated right away. He told me (this I remember) if I didn't get it treated it would turn into cervical cancer. There is a small possibility I already have it and that is one reason they have to do this procedure, to biopsy and clear. I've spent countless days online reading all about these two procedures. There is the LEEP and then there is the Cone Biopsy. From what I have read, I'm going to want the LEEP.
Basically I go in on April 22nd and they take away part of my cervix. I have read that this procedure has a 90% chance of working but when you've already been the small statistic, you always fear the worst. I see it as a 10% chance it could not work and turn into cancer, if it already isn't. The procedure itself sounds painful, even with anesthesia. Not only that but it's almost a harder recovery than giving birth. I have to pretty much be on bed rest for 4 weeks. I don't know how I will do it.
Thankfully, once they do it I should be able to find out within a few weeks if it is cancer or not but I'll have to wait 3 months to know if it worked. I hate waiting on pins and needles.
This whole situation has me really down and out. I can't possibly hold onto Phoebe any tighter because I'm already holding on tight after all we've already been through. It scares me to know things may happen and I won't be there for her, that I will miss out on so much with her after all we went through to get her here. I want her to know how much I love her, it's indescribable but I need her to know so I started writing her letters. I can't guarantee I will be here for her growing up but I sure as hell will do my best to make sure I am. I thought it would be a nice idea to write a letter every few months and she can read them when she is older.
Knowing I may not be here for Bee as she grows up is the worst but second to that is the fact that this procedure has a few side effects.
1. It can cause infertility due to the cervical scar tissue forming a closure, making it very hard for swimmers to get up there. We might not be able to get pregnant again.
2. If I do become pregnant I have a much higher chance at miscarriage.
3. If we make it past miscarrying, I have a much higher risk for going into pre-term labour and I'm not talking a few weeks early, I'm talking non-viable age so I'd have to get a cervical stitch as precaution if we make it even that far.
Now Stephen and I have not even had the future children conversation, I'm just enjoying ever minute I have with Bee. No matter what we still will adopt and foster and we will have more children in our life but it is looking more and more like they will not be biological, just goes to show truly how much of a miracle Bee really is. Even though we don't know if we want to try again, knowing we have an even bigger battle, a steeper hill to climb up, on top of everything we'd have to deal with anyways, it's breaking my heart. It's one thing for us to decide not to have another biological baby but for my body to shut down and not make it possible, it upsets me so much.
Obviously I have to have this procedure done, I'd rather not have cancer (hoping it isn't there yet) and I have no idea what the procedure holds. I don't know how painful it will be, I don't know the recovery (other than it's tough) I don't know if it will even work, I don't even know how I will make it through waiting, but I have to. But I know I have to, I have to do it for Bee. I have to fight my way through everything that comes our way to make sure I am here for her. Things like this just put my perspective on life into even more of a thought. It just makes me realize time here is short and can be tough so I need to start living life while I still have it.
I'm not even going to go to the worst case scenario because cancer is terrifying and I will try my hardest to focus on the 90%. I will say, I know they have caught this early enough that if it did turn into cancer it would very likely be easy to cure, given I read the number 1 way is a hysterectomy which no future biological babies for sure, but they are keeping an eye on it and that has to be a good thing. I just wish I didn't even have to worry at all, I'd really like for a year in our life not to have to deal with some heavy stuff. I just want to enjoy Bee and it's hard to when I am scared and when I feel depressed from having yet something else bad going on in our life. All of this is making me not want to ever return to work, life is too precious and I want to enjoy it as much as I can!
Perhaps someone reading this has had these procedures done and can tell me a bit more about it, how it went, if it hurt, did it work etc?
I love this little girl more than words could ever describe!
We had some fun with paint (I have since added tails for the bun buns)