19 weeks 5 days: Today was Bee's heart check-up. We didn't expect much or any surprising news as we kind of knew Bee's heart was in good shape. So where does that leave us?
We are officially two weeks past the half way point. Everything is downhill from here. We have hit the peak with no return (not that we would want one) We have fought, we have struggled, we have accepted and we have lived each and every day. We have remained hopeful and as faithful as possible but most days seem doubtful. We have taken it day by day, week by week truly celebrating each Friday as a milestone for us. We have surpassed one HUGE milestone and with it brought some reassurance but we still have another 16 weeks to go before we hit another. The stress some days is unmanageable but we have been so incredibly blessed with wonderful support of those who have walked in our shoes and taken this rainbow pregnancy journey. We also have been blessed with those walking this journey with us at the same time (or a few weeks behind)
Each day has been a struggle, each day decisions have been made. Thoughts, fear and terror live inside my heart at every single second of each and every single day. I do not get a break from the worry or fear. I have to train my heart to feel, to connect with Bee because all it wants to do is protect me from further heartache. Trust me heart, it's going to be a nightmare if anything happens you don't need to protect me. Some days I sit and think about how anxious I'm getting the closer we get to D day...I don't know what to do with a baby, my preparedness has disappeared, I feel so helpless, what if we do get to bring a baby home, what do we do then? I'm not prepared for that to happen, I haven't had that experience I don't know what to do. I feel clueless. I'm use to planning funerals and buying my children, as sad as that sounds, it's reality. I know what to do in that situation yet I'm so terrified of it happening again. I don't want it to happen again. It just simply CANNOT happen again.
On the very rare day I may feel hopeful that maybe this is our time, Bee will be our keeper. Bee has been prayed for even before Bee existed. Some moments of hard days I get a glimmer of faith strike me hard, a reminder that God has promised me this child, God has promised me this one is ours to keep until the time comes.
We have learned to dance through the rain, we have learned to take negative situations and turn them into positive situations. We have always kept our eye on the blessings we have had and currently have. We give thanks for the many blessings we have gained in the last few years. Some may not understand but we do feel incredibly blessed, our life is full of so much love, real love not the fake kind. We have extended our family and met so many wonderful people we can't imagine our lives without. People who make this journey a bit easier, people who can relate.
Bee is certainly making her/his appearance known, the sweet little kicks are such a gentle reminder of this miracle, of this journey. Some days I can't believe we are more than half way to meeting Bee, I swore we'd never get here, but here we are. At this very moment Bee is healthy and alive and we can only pray Bee stays that way. As uncomfortable as we may feel about bringing a baby home, we want that chance, we need that chance. We have come this far on our journey and though Bee won't be here next week (I gave the pep talk about staying put until at least 35 weeks) we are getting closer. Each week will continue to be a struggle, decisions will continue to be made and at some point a car seat will need to be installed and this mama will need to check into the hospital again.
It's hard to face everyday when there is so much anxiety around what may happen but the unknown doesn't always have to be bad, that we have learned with Bee. I will continue to struggle, continue to battle my demons of fear, worry, anxiety and terror because I know this miracle inside me is worth the fight. We have another 16 weeks of fight left in us and we will stand against it hand in hand doing everything we possibly can to win this fight, to get the experience the joy that we have been so close to twice. No matter the outcome, this is all worth it. If it wasn't, we wouldn't have tried again but we know the reward far outweighs the risks.
Today's appointment was not great, Bee was only 90% cooperative so we only ruled 90% of heart problems out but that wasn't the issue. The issue was the tech, I've had her before and she's one of the ones I don't like. She brought me to tears and now I am at home in so much pain (my stomach is killing me) because she was so rough during the ultrasound. I will not be surprised if I have bruises tomorrow. I wonder if there is any way to request NOT to have her. There aren't many that bad but I can't go through that or this pain again and my biggest worry was that she was hurting Bee. Lord help her if anything happens to Bee because of her roughness I'll have to go all mama bear on her!
So that was the downfall, everything else was great, our Dr was happy with what he saw, our social worker made me cry and brought out some emotions, we have some pics of Bee but you will have to wait until tomorrow to see them as we are off to our infant loss group meeting tonight.
Really hope Bee is okay and this pain goes away! Such a bad tech. Oh, our next ultrasound is in 4 weeks, I challenged myself to go the whole 4 weeks with no panic attack (obviously if something is wrong I'll go to the doctors) but it is my goal, to make it 4 weeks without panicking in between. Stephen and I have a bet going to see if I can make it that long....but if this pain keeps up I may not even make it a few days!