There are many days I wonder why I do it, why do I write this blog? What is it's purpose. For me personally, it is a place to get out all my thoughts and emotions so they have some sort of clear direction and stop being such a jumbled mess in my head. Truthfully, I always feel better after I write, no matter how hard some of the topics are, I always feel better getting it out. I never use to write, I found it boring and mundane but after Ty died I just had to. I had to figure a way to get out everything that was in me and on my mind. I had to sort through it all and writing it down became my escape.
I guess I also wanted to reach out to others who have walked my path, to let other mothers know my struggles. I wanted other women to know they aren't alone, the thoughts and feelings they have are pretty "normal" for us grieving moms. I wanted to let them see that there is always hope, I wanted them to see that, yeah it's hard, it sucks, I hate it but there are ways to get through it.
Then I woke up this morning and in my haste that is the morning, glasses still off so my vision was blurry, staring down at my smiley little girl who decided she wanted some more food, I received an e-mail. I really have no idea who reads my blog, I don't think many people do (maybe I'll take a roll call sometime just for fun) but I have no idea who reads this blog or where they are from or what path they are walking in life, I really write mainly for me and in case other women need to feel that they are not alone, I do it for them. I do it to show hope and I guess I do a good job at that because this is the email I received (name removed for privacy reasons) I just had to share it. It means so much to me to receive an email like this, it has given me such a warm feeling.
I have lived in London, Ontario for the past three years. I discovered the Woodland Cemetery with the deer, shortly after we moved here. I often go there to watch the deer, and either walk or drive through the peaceful grounds. I often see the same headstones over and over, and wonder about the people buried there. Only a couple of weeks ago, my parents (who were visiting London) and I noticed the ones for Ty and Jacob. We had gone to look at the new fawns again at the cemetery, and were driving slowly past the children's section when my mom asked me to stop. She pointed out the matching headstones and as we read the names, I was overcome with heartache for whoever had to bury two baby sons. I noticed how lovingly the area was tended, with little teddy bears and an angel statue. We left, but I kept thinking about the family who had known such sorrow.
Tonight when my girls asked to go for a drive through the cemetery to look for the deer, I again stopped at the graves and copied down the names. I had been thinking for the past two weeks about these little angels, and their parents. I hoped beyond hope that somehow these parents might have now been blessed with a living child to finally know the joys of parenthood. I just had to know more.
I came home and looked up whatever information I could find, until I came across your blog. I didn't notice the entries for 'Bee' at first. I read about Ty first and then Jacob. I felt a lump in my throat and the tears begin as I read about your excitement and then your fears and sorrow...twice. I marveled at your strength and courage. I appreciated you being so candid about your feelings for something that must have torn you apart. I felt a deep respect for your husband and his kind and supportive manner through all of these trials. I was sitting and thinking about all I had read and seen, and felt such an admiration for your family.
I then noticed the two links to click on for Bee. I was almost terrified, wondering if you had yet another sorrow to add to the burdens you had already faced. I finally clicked and saw the sweetest little face, and your happy entry about her. My tears of sadness turned to tears of joy when I read about your latest adventures of being able to leave the house, and each victory you achieve in being able to overcome the grief and trauma that has held you prisoner.
Thank you for sharing your story, so that others may appreciate life more fully. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your struggles and strengths. You are an inspiration. Thank you for reaching out to others who may have lost little ones, or helping those who haven't suffered such a loss, understand a little more what parents go through in such a situation.
I hope and pray that you will continue to find healing in being a mother to your beautiful little girl. I truly believe you will be reunited with your angel sons again someday, and that now they are very near, watching over your family. I know that you have a support network of people who love you and help you through the dark times that inevitably come as part of life and its challenges and disappointments. Also know that as more people come across your story, they will also be touched by knowing about you, and offer their support and positive thoughts for you and your loved ones.
Thank you again for sharing your bittersweet story. You are a remarkable lady - never forget that.
That folks is why I do it. I just never knew my words could leave such an impact on others, I know it helps me immensely but thank you to the wonderful lady who took the time to not only look up my boys and read about them but to contact me and let me know how I have impacted her. You have touched my heart in a place that has not been touched in a while. Your email means so much to me, words really cannot describe how this has effected me in a very good way.