This year is different. This year feels different. My head and my body are in a different state. This year it feels okay. It honestly feels okay. My mind is not consumed, my body is not consumed with the death of Ty and Jacob. The last few days have been challenging and perhaps a part of their death has to do with it in some round about way but for the most part this year is okay. I didn't even start the fundraiser until a few days after Jacbo's birthday, where in the past I would be so consumed by what day it is, it would have started on his birthday. I was busy on his birthday and that's okay. I feel okay. I feel move alive and in the moment right now. It's a first for me, unfortunately with it comes guilt. I'm working on it but the guilt lingers. The guilt of feeling okay this time of year is hanging over my head. I feel I should be more upset, more subdued this time of year (like I have for the past 5 and 6 years) but it's not there. There have been moments and I just let them freely come, tears and all no matter where I am (like running on the treadmill at the gym, side note, downside to working out in a smaller gym, you end up next to the guy who sounds like he is birthing an elephant and side, side note, I went to the gym, the fucking gym, hell yah!) but I've let the feelings come and go as they needed. The thing is, they aren't as intense, the sadness feels like it has it's place. The death of Ty and Jacob feel like they are starting to have their own place. Fall has and always will be my favourite time of year. It was so hard to enjoy it after Ty and Jacob died. It put a damper on my season. This year, I intend to be in the moment and live Fall. I tried last year and failed miserably. But this year, I think it may actually work. I already notice it. This house, this town, I'm aware of my surroundings, I'm aware of the moments I am in. Some are hard, parenting is hard regardless, but others are okay. I'm having moments now that I've dreamed about. Moments I have wished about and yeah its scary to have them and enjoy them, but it's happening. I'm working on accepting that. I'm working on being okay.
Saying the words I'm okay and we are okay actually feels pretty good because I honestly mean it. I may not be able to say things are great (ever) and I'm working on saying things are good, but here is the sticky part with the word good, with good comes bad. It's life, I know it. When I say things are good, I get a bit anxious knowing that they could be bad. I can't bring myself to say the word good even though in my mind, I'm really trying to. Things are good. They've been better but they've been worse. I just can't bring myself to say the word good, it's like I'm holding on for the other shoe to drop if I say that word. In my mind there is a link between good and bad, through all the trauma it made one hell of a stubborn neuro network of good and bad so I get where that comes from, I understand and see why it's hard for me to say that word and I do hope that one day I can soften the anxiety when I say the word good and enjoy the moment instead of worrying about it becoming bad.
In the same sense saying the word good causes some anxiety, so does feeling happy and enjoyable. You know that uncomfortable feeling I've talked about, the one that drives me crazy and makes me want to start my meds, I've been having that more and more, but here is the thing. It creeps up when things are okay, it creeps up in moments I am laughing and smiling. It lingers there making me aware of the danger that could happen. I'm starting to see and understand why that uncomfortable feeling happens when it does and why and it's pretty predictable. My body, my mind, they know that with good comes bad. When I am having a good day and enjoying my day, I get uncomfortable, like waiting for that other shoe to drop. My body is trying to protect me against hurt, it believes that too much joy and happiness means bad things will happen. I get it, I've suffered extensive trauma, I get why it does it, I understand it but my god, it makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to jump out of my own skin. Sometimes, thats when the odd thoughts start to come. In those moments of feeling scared and knowing something bad will happen, my mind goes there, it brings in all these scenarios of the bad things that could happen. I'm starting to see it, I'm starting to understand it and I'm hoping with time I can control these scared feelings more.
For today I will settle with just accepting that it's okay to be okay. It's a small step.