Perhaps it's due to the amazing meds or perhaps it's that the time has come, either way, I'm really excited about this Christmas. Okay, maybe excited is not the right word, but I feel peace, contentment and happiness on some level. It's the first Christmas I have felt like celebrating in 5 years. I'm going all out too! I went and bought lights for outside (with a remote starter so we don't have to go out and turn them on) I planned so many things to do: Santa Clause parade, cutting down our own Christmas tree (which included a tractor ride, cutting our own tree, roasting marshmallows, seeing baby animals, hot chocolate and fresh air) we headed down to Port Stanley to ride the Santa train (which included a train ride, hot cocoa, tarts, seeing Santa and a trip to Mackies for fries) I bought matching aprons last year so this morning Bee and I put them on and baked banana bread, we have done so many Christmas crafts and hung them all over the house, decorated the tree (I caved and put lights ons) I bought a gingerbread house we will be making next weekend, Festivus with our bereaved family, Christmas Spirit Jar (which I think has been my favourite part), walking around and looking at the lights while drinking a hot beverage, gift shopping (books, games and things for us to do together).
The activities are endless and I've been enjoying them, I really have. I love creating new family traditions for us, I love the time we are spending together and I love that Christmas to us is not about material gifts, not about consumerism, not about "Santa" but just us, doing things together as a family, creating memories, spreading love and making some good food! I am thankful Ty and Jacob taught us that above all else is family and love. I love that we aren't stressed about finding the perfect gifts because we don't place importance on gifts but rather time spent with each other. I never knew it could feel this satisfying. I honestly struggled with what to get Bee this year because of our minimalist lifestyle. But, I had a great time picking out books to read with her and games to play because I knew we would do it together, as a family and that's the part I love.
Christmas the last 5 years has sucked, it's been horrible, there have been a lot of tears but I finally feel like this one will be good. I know there will still be tears, but there will also be smiles, real smiles. There will be love and family, new memories, good food, time together and that's whats important to me. It may have taken all year, I may have had a breakdown but it's ending well, it's ending really well. And though I worry that all hell will break loose (thanks PTSD) I'm still going to enjoy all the activities we have planned because I actually look forward to them. I'm excited to see the joy (or fear) in Bees eyes as we go on new adventures together. Seeing life through her eyes is pretty amazing.