Grief is exhausting, so very very exhausting. I sit here trying to write but my eyes can barely stay open. My mind runs wild with the thoughts of the day, did I get everything done that I needed to, what should I have done differently, how can I help Bee as she clearly is having an issue with something, am I failing her as a parent, someone needs to get their muffler fixed, I want ketchup chips.
My mind runs, perhaps that's why I feel that allowing my body to do the same is motivational. I've started "running" again, right now I'm at once a week but its a start for me. I'm always way more exhausted after words but mentally, I feel more free. I find running allows me to sort through my jumbled mind and figure things out. It's almost like I'm sweating the bad things out, literally. My goal is to become more active, Bee and I have been getting out for walks now that the weather is more in our favour (we are horrible Canadians, we do not like the cold) and today I back carried her which gave me a great work out. I ache, there are so many aches and I'm tired, so very very tired but I know it's important. Just like acupuncture, massage and chiro are important and helpful for me, I know exercise is as well.
I'm trying to keep on top of this grief thing, counseling is going so well, really well. I can't boast enough how well it is going and even though I dislike going, I always like how I feel when I leave. My counselor really helps me get to the bottom of things. For example (and I apologize I used the same example in the last post but I'm tired and can't think of anything else) I buy Bee things, probably more than she needs, but not a lot like some parents do. It's hard for me to see something and not want to get it for her. I usually end up buying it and then feeling guilty. I know that is the feeling I always have after but I still do it and I wasn't sure why. Well, through counselling we determined it was an automatic response in my brain that stems from me not having that chance with Ty or Jacob so I over compensate with Bee. I'm aware of that now, does it stop me? It hasn't yet but I'm figuring out my bumpers to put in place to help me.
As I learn, I grow and though I may see some signs as a step back, she reminds me that it's not necessarily a step back as much as it is just a bad day. I've very aware of my mind wandering most days and I usually let it go because I'm exhausted, but the fact that I am aware of it is a huge step for me. There are times when I can bring myself back, sometimes I can't and that's okay but to recognize it and acknowledge it is a step forward, even if it still wanders. Sometimes I can't ground myself, sometimes my window of tolerance is almost non-existent but that does not mean I'm falling back. I'm still not use to that, that to me is a huge step and its hard for me to see my steps, I struggle with internal validation. External validation is great for me, but internally, I'm learning. I have so much to learn and a long path to get there, but for the time being, I need some sleep!