Fuck, it's the only current word I can think of to appropriately describe the situation. As many of you know, I have anxiety. It's been pretty bad lately. I always felt like something bad was going to happen and oh, look, there it is. Today, out of the blue, we were given 60 days notice to vacate our apartment (yes, it was done in the legal way so we really cannot fight it) For those who read this blog, you know buying a house has been my dream and were so close....just not exactly ready. The plan was to buy a house next year, big enough so my parents could move in with us (them in the basement, us upstairs) I want to live with them, I want them close that's why it was a great plan (having them close would ease so much anxiety), and financially for all of us as well. But 1 year sooner and I'm not ready. Not only is it not feasible, I am not ready. 60 days, 60 days until my life is turned upside down. I mean fuck. Seriously, life likes to throw fucking curveballs and I'm tired of it.
My anxiety has been through the roof lately and this, this just adds to it. 60 days to get my shit together and figure something out. That is not enough time for me. I feel so sick, I feel like I'm going to barf. I feel like I'm going to pass out. My world is spinning, the tears are falling the fucks are flying. How, how is this going to be okay? It's not. It can't possibly be okay, yes we were going to move in a year anyways, but not 60 days from now.
There would the option to rent another place for 9-12 months but should I really get into how detrimental that would be to my mental health to be displaced and out of routine for so long. It could not come at a worse time. I won't be able to handle it, I'll be a wreck. I'm at a place in my therapy where so much is coming up and now this, I really may have to seriously consider going back on medication for the time being because I can't deal with all of this at once. I'll have to back off the emdr for now (which was going so well) but I can't deal with it on top of this. I hurt, I am in physical pain from this news. Not now, please not now.
This messes up the plan. A plan that took years to put together but if life has taught me anything its that plans never go according to plan. I should know that by now, its the reason I'm so anxious about everything because shit always does happen. Its what anxiety feeds off of and in my life I'm constantly shown shit happens. How can my therapy help when life keeps shitting. I've worked so hard on being able to accept that I am safe and nothing bad is happening and then bam, fuck. Everything gets thrown out the window and no amount of words can make it better. No, everything happens for a reason, no things will work out, none of that will work for me because no it's messed up. This is NOT a blessing in disguise, this is fucked up. This is not the time, there is no blessing. This has caused a tremendous amount of unnecessary stress during a time I really did not need it.
My plan is gone out the window, just like it always has. My dreams are again squashed and have left me struggling to survive. 60 days is not enough time. I can't cope with that. There is so much to be done and packing, fuck packing!!!!!! Oh and changing my address, fuck. But even the search to find a place, I feel rushed, I feel like I wont be able to make a decision with my heart and head because all I can think is 60 days. Is 60 days enough time to find the house of my dreams? No because the house of my dreams had my parents in the basement and I dont think that is feasible at the moment. Trying to find a place to rent for 9-12 months with a child and 3 cats, that's going to be challenging within itself. I feel like I'm slipping into a coma of shock. My brain has fled and how I'm suppose to keep it together and make plans is beyond me.
How can I keep it together and still function at a level in which does not completely disrupt Bee. She already saw me cry and now seems to be scared and asking a lot of questions about moving. How do I keep myself together for her?
One would think because I was so excited to move and happy to leave the neighbour who was so annoying, that this would be great news. But it's not. Not within 60 days. I'm freaking out. Now I will either be totally unable to eat or gain a lot of weight from eating so much crap. My eating is highly connected to my stress levels and goes one way or the other. Everything, I feel so sick. Everything is going to be heightened. I feel so ill and will worry about dying. Can my heart take this? It's been so stressed can it take something this big without quitting on me? I worry.
I've already been feeling sick to my stomach buying groceries lately because I knew every dollar spent meant less in a down payment and now, well just take a moment to think about how that feels. To feel nauseous at buying food you know you need to get to eat because you know it is money spent and when there is so little, every purchase matters. The shittiest part, me being so helpless and feeling like a failure because I cant go back to work right now. The anxiety, the ptsd, the flashbacks and emotions tied in with the emdr, I barely manage to function on a daily basis, there is no way I can hold down a job (which is why I tried this whole working from home thing) even my counselor agrees I'm not in a good spot and it makes me feel so helpless. It doesn't help my self esteem but I know it's where I need to be. The thought of having responsibility, being held accountable, having to be somewhere from a certain time with no flexibility, it makes me sick. It makes me feel like I am going to pass out because I am not mentally ready to handle that. Perfect example, I can't even handle the thought of driving to visit my parents who live 4 hours away. The whole quick trip is so much for me, it makes me so anxious and trying to prepare for it is hard. Now add on everything else and my mind is gone. It feels like I'm walking through the fog.
I feel like I'm suffocating, my head is pounding in pain. My chest is tight. I can't seem to catch my breath. My heart feels like its been stabbed. The heart palpitations, the sweaty palms, the dizziness, full blown panic attack happening. I can't process anything beyond making sure Bee is fed, cared for and anything else she needs. I just can't. This is a lot to handle at a very hard time. This is so fucked up. My home, the home I brought my only living child home to will be forced out in 60 days. 60 days to somehow figure shit out. 60 days to find a new place to live that takes animals, 60 days to try and get approved for a mortgage and pray I can find something. 60 days to organize a huge move, find boxes, hire a mover or uhaul, I'm not ready, not in 60 days.
Everything is coming up. Panic attacks bring up every vulnerability. In all honesty, this news bring up so much for me that I'm not willing to disclose right now but I guess it's a good time for me to find some things out. Big blows or not, I need to know.
My body is feeling the effects of this news to the core, deep down in every bone it hurts. My mind is gone, left to wander but I need to get it back because 60 days will be here before I know it and something has to happen. Life just doesn't stop.